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Men of Ramsay Street!

Well that’s that. Neighbours final day of filming occurred on Friday and while Instagram has provided a flurry of emotional photographs and memories from fans, cast members past and present alike, Not least from Scarlett Anderson who’s played little Nell Rebecchi Since she was six weeks old making it easy to fail beaten and downcast, I thought rather than writing another gloomy article I choose this post for something much more upbeat and light-hearted.

Having been a Neighbours viewer since I was one year old it’s perhaps not surprising that Ramsay Street over the years has provided a number of childhood, teenage, early adult and dare I admit recent crushes. Therefore I thought it might be fun to give myself and any readers a laugh and look back at the men of Ramsay Street that caught this particular viewers eye. The list below is in chronological order followed at the end buy some honourable mentions and a top three.

Peter O’Brien (Shane Ramsay 1985-1987)

If I’m honest, having left the show in 1987, I do not particularly remember his time on the street. what I do remember however, is at the age of 6 or 7 forcing my parents every Saturday teatime to endure the cringe fest that was Flying Doctors because the man but I loved as a toddler had the starring role. Looking back at photographs from the time and I’ll be honest the one from his scheduled return this year, even for the 1980s that haircut was an abomination. unlike some of the others on the list this is one crush that I’ve definitely outgrown but I can still remember that very early feeling of happiness and simply smiling when he came on the screen.

Craig McLachlan (Henry Ramsay 1987-1989)

Having left the street not long after I began primary school, Henry is another character that I’d struggled to say I remember particularly well, however what I do remember is being reminded many times over the years but the reason my parents stocked the cupboards with Vegemite as opposed to the British Marmite, was because of the tantrum I threw in the supermarket determined to eat “what Henry has for breakfast on Neighbours” and sitting in the back trailer of one of the tricycles in the community centre where I attended play group and forcing my older brother to cycle round pretending we were in the music video full Craig’s best forgotten hit “Mona”. Much like Peter and Flying Doctors, Craig was the reason my family were later on subjected to BBC tech drama Bugs After then 11 year old Pam wanted to nostalgicly swoon. I’m not going into recent events this is meant to be lighthearted and you all have google.

Jason Donovan (Scott Robinson 1986-1989)

So this is the first one on the list which I can very definitely remember and was certainly the most enduring. Not only was I a fan of Scott, but Jason was the first pop star I had any real interest in, so much so that at one point my family were forced to put up with having a pet goldfish with the name “Jason Donovan Doyle”. I can clearly you remember setting on the field in reception class with a friend he was equally as obsessive about Kylie on the two of us becoming convinced that if we just dug far enough in the date or the sandpit we would eventually be able to reach Erinsborough. I don’t think I’m exaggerating to say we spent months of lunch breaks and play-times on this fruitless pursuit. I was adamant in my belief that Too Many Broken Hearts what’s the greatest song ever produced and completely certain that one day I would become Mrs Donovan. As a grown up just writing that, I am conscious of how ridiculous that belief was, but as a 5 year old yet too experience any of the world’s harsh realities, I had no doubt I just had to wait my time. A few years ago he appeared on Saturday Kitchen with James Martin and they produced a copy of the board game ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’ which had been released in his heyday in which participants we are required to answer general knowledge questions about Mr Donovan’s likes, dislikes and interests. Unsurprisingly most of the answers were works of pure fiction and so Jason could not answer them, yet more than a quarter of a century on I was still able to provide search central eating information as what was supposedly his favourite biscuit in about 1991. I wouldn’t say I particularly have a crush on him anymore, but the mention of his name still makes me smile and I’ve no doubt if we were ever to meet I’d likely be too starstruck to speak.

Kristian Schmid (Todd Landers 1988-92)

Poor Todd has somewhat faded from memory an Israeli one who is just left as a name that I remember. I think in part it was because early on he was one of the few more age appropriate characters for me to be into. Although I do have a vague recollection of him going blind at some point and I am still a bit haunted by his unexpected death.

Ben Geurens (Toby Mangel 1990-93)

Ben very much fits into the mould of being the only actor in the soap at the time who is the same age as me and therefore I presume that was the attraction. Oddly enough as the only one on this list who only appeared in the shows a child, this isn’t really one where I feel it is either possible or appropriate to look back objectively as an adult.

Scott Michaelson (Brad Willis 1991-93)

The original Brad though not the only one on this list! He was very much the prototype pretty blonde surfer boy. Be honest early Brad didn’t really have much going on personality wise and apart from once making his own surfboards and departing with Beth Brennan (Natalie Imbruglia) if he never returned with a brand new head the only thing I would have remembered would have been his curly blonde hair.

Dan Falzon (Rick Alessi 1992-95)

Finally I feel we have hit undisputable territory. my recollection is that literally everybody my age fancied Rick Alessi and we all bought Smash Hits and Shout For the posters of his beautiful Italian face. apart from the fact he had a brother I can’t remember a single thing about his character or any of his storylines so shallow as it now feels to admit clearly the only interest we had in Rick was his face.

Richard Grieve (Sam Kratz 1994-1996)

Lovely lovely Sam and his black leather jacket and motorbike. I’m going to get shallow again but when I think of Sam I think of that jacket and his beautiful floppy hair. Richard went on to appear in both Home and Away and Emmerdale and I’m pleased to say that even after his dark locks turned silver I’m not in the least bit embarrassed to admit that I found him attractive.

Jesse Spencer (Billy Kennedy 1994-2000)

To be frank Billy was incredibly boring. he was a nice boy, had a nice girlfriend (Anne) on a far funnier and more interesting best friend (the wonderful Jared ‘Toadfish’ Rebecchi) Who all being fair would be appearing on this list instead. However, as he first appeared when I was nine years old and very much fitted the baby faced, unthreatening member of a boy band mould here we are.

Benji McNair (Mal Kennedy 1994-1997)

There’s a reason unlike Jesse, that  I didn’t have to google Benji’s full name. Mal was Billy’s older brother, cooler, edgier (at least by Kennedy standards) And with floppy brown hair. look it was the 90s floppy hair equals sexy. He is at least another one on this Leicester objectively I would still say is very good looking.

Todd MacDonald (Darren Stark 1996-1998)

I will never be over this one. while Darren might have been the bad boy of the street I still maintain Todd is one of the best looking man on the planet. I googled him for a previous post and my goodness this crushes very certainly not going away. He originally left the show in 1998  and has made a few return trips over the years, the first of which was in 2004 ending six years of my poor mother being forced to repeat the phrase “Darren’s not coming back, get over it” on enormous weekly basis. there’s a whole host of previous cast members returning for the final episodes I’m despite refreshing and refreshing social media feeds I think I am finally going to have to agree with my mother and accept Darren’s not coming back.

Mark Raffety (Darcy Tyler 2000-2005)

Perhaps I was a little hasty in labelling Darren the bad boy. My memories of the character or just that he was a horrific human being albeit one with a nice smile and play eyes unfortunately a combination for which I seem to be willing to forgive too much.

Scott McGregor (Mark Brennan 2010-2020)

Full disclosure at this point I thought with the show coming to an end that I really needed to include some more recent folk so I wouldn’t necessarily describe this on the following one is crushes and such move he went the period of their appearance I found the most attractive. He was a policeman, he liked Doctor Who and always looked out for his siblings. His stint coincides with the longest period for which I didn’t watch the show, back for it’s difficult to give a really objective view of the character.

Kip Gamblin (Brad Willis 2013-2017)

I’ll be honest I’m including this one partly from long cherish memories of loving the first Brad as detailed above, and then subsequently as an adult realizing his replacement was far hotter. Also it’s slightly cheating as his appearance in Home and Away (2003-2005) Coincided with a brief period when I watched so I’d already noticed him. of course the other attraction to this Brad is that unlike the original who I’ve already described as incredibly dull, this one was more rounded, more passionate under love triangle was played out on screen rather than merely implied.

Honourable Mentions: Alan Fletcher (Dr Karl) – I never had a crush on the Fletch, I don’t have enough daddy issues for that but doctor Karl certainly attracted more than his fair share of young ladies over the years. Anthony Engelman (Stonefish Rebecchi) – never really in the show long enough to make enough of an impression but his brief returns were very welcome. Scott Major (Lucas Fitzgerald/Orignal Darren Stark) – by the time he was paired with Steph Scully I wasn’t enjoying Steph and the latter half of his appearances came when I wasn’t watching. Also massively overshadowed by my allegiance to Darren Two. Nicholas Coghlan (Shane Rebecchi) – I pretty much missed his entire run, barring stolen glances while having dinner at my parents’ house while my mother never once stopped watching the show. Therefore I can’t say whether his character would have made him more or less attractive but he was a nice occasional treat. Daniel Mcpherson (Joel Samuels) – full disclosure, I was almost finishing formatting this when I realised I’d forgotten you!

Top three: I was going to say don’t judge  but given that’s exactly what I’m doing judge away. Number 3 – Jason Donovan. He’s the one from early on I most remember and look at six years old naming a fish is proper true love! Number 2 – Kip Gamblin. This was the toughest call and it feels a bit of a cheat, but there is no way of getting away from the facts. Number 1 – Todd MacDonald. This should not even need explaining!

Look I appreciate this has been somewhat of a shallow, jokey romp and I am planning on somewhat a more reflective look back but for those of us who’ve been in denial until this week I feel like we needed a light-hearted piece after all we come to Ramsay Street for sunshine. So for no reason other than because it’s a nice view – I’ll leave you with a totally unnecessary more recent picture of the lovely Todd/Darren.

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Back in Ramsay Street

While today is Bolero day and team Fear may have managed a top ten finish at the winter Olympics earlier today, yes I am back with more Neighbours related content. Dealt with it. I mentioned in last week’s post that I hadn’t actually watched the show properly for a number of years but with the devastating news which I am still trying to block out I decided to make my way through all the episodes still available on My5 while it was still around and get up to date.

It took the grand total of 18 minutes of the first episode for me to be sucked back in. Having watched every episode of 2022; wedding, natural disaster, death – Erinsborough still has it all. Despite how long it is since I paused my love affair with Ramsay Street at least fifty percent of the cast are old friends; Robinsons, Kennedys, Cannings, Willis, Toadie, Melanie and Amy Greenwood! Paul’s brother Glen is back and while I’ll be honest I had no memory of him first time around you can’t fault the casting of original actor Richard Hugget in the part as more than once I’ve had to do a double take so strong is his resemblance to Stefan Dennis.

Six weeks ran through in roughly four days and while there’s been heartache, laughter, confusion – it’s so good to be back. I just hope and pray I haven’t left it too late. The petition to fend off the bulldozers currently sits at over 53,000 and the 1985 original recording of the soundtrack hit number one in last week’s itunes chart and even the most uptight of broadsheets have been singing the shows praises highlighting the strength of feeling of current and past viewers.

Far and away the most shocking part of this debacle was the revelation that cast members were initially left to learn via the media that the grim reaper was hovering in the shadows. Jackie Woodburne (Erinsborough High stalwart Susan Kennedy) who moved into the cul-de-sac back in 1994 surprised many (myself included) during an emotional interview on Australian television by revealing her native Northern Irish accent. The Carrickfergus born legend explained that the cast were understandably overwhelmed and in shock.

Saturday night saw the final of The Masked Singer UK and winner Panda revealed to be none other than the show’s on Beth Brennan, aka singer and former X Factor panellist, Natalie Imbruglia who has thrown her support behind the petition to save the show and expressed concern for what would become of her character’s son Ned if it was to be pulled. Fellow resident turned pop star Jason Donovan has similarly expressed his devastation at the news and is said to be set to fly out to Oz in April to make a return to the show (joining his real life daughter Jemma who plays Willow Robinson on the show) with hopes of an on-screen reunion with Kylie Minogue (who of course played his wife in the show). Jelly-belly, death defeating Harold Bishop is due to resume filming next month and Hollywood actor Guy Pearce who started playing Mike Young is being tapped up for an appearance. While the writers and casting departments pull out all of the stops to make the next few months truly spectacular the fight goes on to ensure that Ramsay Street continues to provide the perfect blend.

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Don’t Bulldoze my childhood!

What follows is a messy look back at some of my Neighbours memories and what the show means to me. If you want to do me a small favour please sign the petition to SAVE NEIGHBOURS

What are your earliest memories? Nursery? A trip to the seaside? Your first ice cream? Well, as a product of the mid-1980s it should come as no surprise to learn mine…Ramsay Street! Or to be exact, sitting on the living room carpet at my parent’s house practically on top of the television watching Daphne Clarke get hit by a car. Google informs me I was four years old, yet it’s ingrained in my brain. The viewer not seeing Daphne get hit but rather witnessing it from Daphne’s point of view as the driver.

The street well all wanted to move to

It was also around this time my mother gave up Marmite in favour of Vegemite after my supermarket tantrums because “it’s what Henry Ramsay eats for breakfast”. I can’t especially remember being a Henry fan but that coupled with memories of playing in the playgroup trike which had a ride on compartment after church on Sundays in order to re-enact the video to “Hey Mona” (along with the fact I can still sing that forgotten classic) suggest I must have been.

Fast forward a couple of years (1991/92) and we reach that timely phenomenon – the school Blue peter bring and by sale. Home I skipped happy as Larry the proud owner of a Jason Donovan annual (my best friend Sam having opted for Kylie, and Laura the more direct Neighbours annual) and everyone’s favourite board game “Straight from the heart” which you don’t need me to tell you saw players rewarded with a broken heart for every Jason Donovan-based trivia question they could correctly answer. One of the most disappointing aspects of my parents recent house move was the revelation that that classic had been thrown away and not put in the loft ‘for safe keeping’ as I’d been led to believe.

BEST game ever

A few years on and my mother finally agreed to let me grow out my horrific home-cut fringe. But what to do in that dreadful in between stage where to stop my hair getting in my eyes? Follow the lead of Beth Brennan (Natalie Imbruglia) of course and sport a mile wide headband.

In to the millennium and as I sat down to face my GCSE English exam I was faced with the task of using my creative writing skills to detail my dream home. Easy…Ramsay Street! I wish I was joking, but four pages of droning on about how great it would be scored a B! Clearly the lovely folk at EdExel were equally enamoured with the prospect of living next door to Darren Stark (we’ll come back to him).

On to A Level Media studies I went. While my final year’s exams saw in-depth study of all things sci-fi, sweet sweet year 12! A summative exam on the genre of Soap Opera including dissecting genuine clips of Neighbours. “No Dad I’m not faffing about watching Neighbours, it’s exam prep”.

Year 12 also saw a by far more serious Neighbours linked memory and one I was in two minds about including in an otherwise light-hearted reflection but I can’t truly think about memories of one without the other. In year twelve I was studying Media A Level as a night-class and so had a large number of free periods during the day, ending classes at lunchtime on Tuesdays. Generally I used the time to catch up on essays (unbelievably I actually was that diligent then). But one particular Tuesday will live rent-free in my head forever more and if you’ve followed the vague chronology of my rambling this far you may be there already. Having completed double-period English I hopped on the metro, meeting on board my Mam and brother who’d been to town to arrange bike insurance for my brother and one of those security pen’s you use to write your postcode etc. on the frame with. On reaching home brother heads off into the garage to sort the bike and Mam and I sit down to lunch and Aussie sunshine. All normal. All a repetition of weekday lunchtimes from toddler days to now. Then the rolling credits are interrupted by a newsflash. At that stage I could remember maybe three such broadcasts (Sally Slater’s rescue, Abby Humphreys being found & Diana’s death). A fire at the top of a skyscraper. “A plane has crashed into one of the world trade towers” came the announcement. “Where?” I ask. “New York…that’s not an accident” comes my mother’s muted reply. Before I can query that instinct the second tower was hit. Moments earlier living vicariously through the residents of Erinsborough, now witnessing the world irrevocably altered.

Two years later, I headed off to uni and for the first time in my life didn’t have access to a TV. It seems impossible to imagine now but way back in 2003, my accommodation didn’t have a shared lounge and on a corridor of sixteen only one person possessed a TV. Thank goodness for Simon! I’ve long since lost touch with the Economics student from Bath but will forever be thankful for him opening up his room twice a day (for those with lecture clashes) and allowing us to squeeze in for our fix of sweet aussie sunshine. This was the era of The Scully family, Carmella Cammeniti and the Hoylands. Izzy Hoyland! Ingrained in my brain is the day sat in the JCR (Simon presumably having forgotten to unlock his room) Ali from Gloucester turned around and deadpan announced as we witnessed Karl leave Susan for Izzy “This is worse than when my parents got divorced”! Twenty years later as a divorcee crass as it sounds, I kind of agree. Thankfully a few years later I dragged my housemate to the Australian-themed, puke-stenched Walkabout bar to see Alan Fletcher (AKA Dr Karl Kennedy) and his band The Waiting Room and a roar rivalled only by a win at St James’ Park filled the place as he announced that Susan and Karl were getting back together. As an aside, a recent episode of Only Connect saw me achieve the rare feat of not only getting a sequence the competitors failed but coming in after two reveals: Susan Kennedy’s surnames in chronological order (Smith-Kennedy-Kinsky-Kennedy).

Izzy Hoyland – home wrecker

Darren Stark time! Oh Darren, naughty Darren, cheating Darren, beautiful beautiful Darren (look I’m not apologising he is let’s face it what any sane person would draw if asked to produce the perfect face). Ever since Todd MacDonald’s wonderful face departed from our screens every time the continuity announcer told viewers “Next week a familiar face returns” I’d scream at the TV “Bring back Darren” and every day for about six years my exasperated mother would reply “Get over it. It’s not going to be Darren”. Thanks to the abolition of student grants like many I was forced to take a summer job to pay my rent and again this meant being teared away from the cul-de-sac of joy. Catch-up TV on-demand was still a dream and let’s just say on more than one occasion ‘someone’ forgot to set the video recorder for me! By this time (2004), I’d basically given up hope and really only carried on with the Stark demands to wind up the mothership so when arriving back from work to be greeted with “You’ll never guess who was on Neighbours today?” I suspected this was some kind of sick revenge. Thankfully not and even more thankfully there was recorded proof. What a happy summer that was and may or may not have influenced parental agreement to take the spare telly back to uni with me for second year (and my purchase of a video recorder). When I got my first proper job post-graduation (after a few false starts) I was blessed with flexi-hours. I’ve never been a morning person but damn straight I was starting at 8am if it meant being home in time for Karl and Susan.

Darren Stark played by Todd MacDonald aka the most beautiful man in the world (fact)

Eventually of course, adult life got in the way and while over the years I’ve gone back to the show many times it’s probably been a decade or so now since I’ve been a regular viewer. Instead making do with irritating my Mam (a constant, dedicated, unwavering viewer from the beginning) by asking a million questions whenever I happen to be visiting while it’s on. The truth is I don’t watch it anymore but I wish I did. I took Corrie back up a few years ago (once Carla and Peter were safely back together) and am constantly fighting to keep up to date with the ludicrous Fair City and only a few weeks ago (before the devastating announcement of the looming grim reaper) was contemplating bingeing as many episodes as were on MyFive in an attempt to get back into it.

Marriages have come and gone, jobs changed, houses left, friendships ended, evolved, interests peaked and waned, dreams ended, achieved, altered but one constant has remained. Recently an Australian girl joined staff and within twenty seconds of meeting I found myself bringing up Neighbours. I couldn’t help myself. For those of us born in the 80s, Australia really means one thing – Erinsbrough. I hate spiders, I can’t swim, I burn like a peach, I don’t like flying, I ring my Dad for help if I so much as spill milk on the kitchen floor (true story – the legend arrived ten minutes later to mop it up) and I have no skills that would qualify me for a visa but give me the chance to live anywhere and it would be Ramsay Street. For the best part of four decades (and I mean the BEST) that’s exactly where we have lived. Back in 2008 when the BBC dropped it, Channel Five came to the programme’s rescue and those of its viewers. Fourteen years on, the show is not only under threat of disappearing from UK screens but being bulldozed off the face of the planet. I pray it’s saved but rest assured Darren Stark will live on rent-free in my head until the end of time.

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Ice, Scandinavian tasks & writer’s block

Having failed to get motivated to write I make no apologies for the fact this post is a mish mash of three different subjects in brief if you want to scroll I start off by talking about dancing on ice before moving on to the Norwegian version of taskmaster and finally a brief discussion of my lack of motivation when it comes to writing comedy.

With the new series of Dancing on Ice beginning last Sunday I was really into minds as to whether I could face watching it and what effect doing so might have on my mental health. until now the only skating videos I have managed to watch have been Tiktoks all friends training sessions which had just left me feeling a bit cold inside and sad about how far behind I am and how getting back on the ice seems both terrifying and impossible. my accident not only has prevented me from skating but it also has taken away the joy of watching it.  Not long after it hit catch-up I decided I was going to make myself at least try and watch it rather than hideaway in fear. I’m pleased to report that I didn’t really cry. I certainly felt a lot less empty than previous attempts I did enjoy it even if less than previous series.

I found Brendan’s  performance really difficult to watch, although I did force myself to watch it a second time through, as about 10 seconds into the routine he did the very lunge slide  that caused my dislocation and has left me unable to walk properly let alone get back on the ice, for the last seven months. However Sally Dynevor’s little pep talk to herself about what message she was giving her girls by allowing fear to win and not pushing herself encouraged me to immediately get out my wobble board and start doing my physio exercises ahead of my latest hospital appointment; the result being I bend my leg further than I’d managed in such a long time.

As for the rest, I properly love the relationship that bez and Shaun Ryder have; The way he was cheering him on in the crowd. I also really liked the fact they got around Bez’s clearly worrying ineptitude mixed with enthusiasm by styling out his need for a helmet (which nobody has ever need on a live show before) by making it look like he had the top of a watermelon on his head to go with ‘twisting my melon man’. It’s also worth saying, in fairness to Bez, the padded trousers are worn quite regularly by skaters in training session even if they don’t normally appear in competition, so it wasn’t that daft for him to have them on as a beginner. The comparison by Chris of Bez to Todd Carty was a little obvious, but while Todd was comically inept I have to give massive props to Bez for his enthusiasm. Unlike Todd, I feel like Bez genuinely really wants to learn and is desperate to get better. So I really hope he’s given the opportunity to do that and that while the routines need to cater to his current ability, they don’t just constantly play for cheap laughs and he is given the opportunity to push and do what he really wants to do – which is skate.

This week I also finally began making my way through the first series of Kongen Befaler (Norwegian Taskmaster) and while being forced to really concentrate in order to read the subtitles does give the programme is slightly different edge I have to say I’m really really enjoying it I’m glad that I decided to persist. like the New Zealand iteration it seems the Norwegian contestants have been selected from folk cut from the same cloth as their UK counterparts. unlike the Kiwi version however, many of the tasks so far have been direct copies of the UK original. for example get as many tears as you can into this egg cup and don’t blink for the longest time possible – the latter showing that they haven’t seen the British version or else would have known the easy answer is to close your eyes. The Scandinavian ‘Greg’ understand why he is there and what his role is I while I was increasingly irritated and let down by Jeremy Wells (of NZ TM) and his failure to really comment on the contestants performances rather than just award scores, Astle is fully involved. one of the highlights from the southern hemisphere was Paul Williams taking on the assistant’s role. Norway’s assistant (the Finnish actor and comedian Olli Wermskog) seems to have studied Alex Horne and has the looks to camera down without ever seeming forced. There been four series to date from Norway, and I am hoping that the rest are as strong as this opener would suggest. Having already seen every episode from the UK multiple times including the first champion of champions and the new year treats, as well as having watched them via various reaction channels on YouTube, being able to immerse myself in the Taskmaster world afresh while waiting for the second champion of champions to finally be given a broadcast date as well as the new series to commence has been a real joy.

On Monday my episode of The Chase which was filmed way back in March 2021 was finally broadcast. whilst obviously I knew the result of the quiz and was aware that I hadn’t given any particularly stupid answers or shamed myself through lack of general knowledge, I was still a bit nervous waiting for the broadcast. Bradley Walsh, I am pleased to report is as lovely off screen as on and while chatting in the studio there are numerous occasions where neither he nor I was entirely sure whether we were being recorded or not. For example there was one moment we were discussing my comedy and the fact that I work for church and he asked whether I’d ever perform in church and I said I wasn’t sure my comedy was church appropriate we both laughed and then the director shouted ‘cut’. A perfectly innocent comments but taking out of context potentially a bit embarrassing. I was left pleased that that entire segment had been removed. I was less happy to discover that as the contestants sat on the end all of the reaction shots following my fellow competitors answers were of my face. I’d like to apologise to everybody I know for the fact that I have just discovered not only do I pull incredibly weird faces I am clearly incapable of hiding what I am thinking so if you ever want to know how I feel just look at my face! I may have ADHD but clearly I am terrible at masking!

I was supposed to be doing a comedy writing workshop today and while after it a lovely day wandering round Tynemouth markets with my parents I am quite tired I wasn’t sure I would really be up to it, I am a little disappointed that it’s been cancelled. with my mobility increasing I really want to get back to performing, but have always struggled with the motivation to write without a deadline of a gig in place. I’d really rather this wasn’t the case as it’s quite a lot of pressure and I’m sure that my material would improve much more if I was able to write in time to then edit and hone even if you can never tell how funny something is without saying in front of an actual audience. I suppose in some ways if it’s not too arrogant to say pops I am a little too like Elizabeth Bennet’s description of herself and Mr Darcy; “of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room”.

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He’s just a man called Greg

It would appear that I am far from the only one to notice the similarities between the latest Netflix smash hit Squid Game and Taskmaster. If you are yet to watch the former don’t worry this isn’t going to contain any real spoilers but to give you a rough idea in the words of TM alumni David Baddiel Squid Game is basically just Taskmaster if Alex Horne was Satan. If no upcoming TM contestants choose to don a green tracksuit I will be rather disappointed.

As with every year I recently re watched all previous series of Taskmaster ahead of the current series and it’s always interesting looking back to see how my opinions on contestants change not only over the course of their series but when looking back. Many folk have aired a dislike of series eight and at the time I didn’t really notice it. Perhaps because having become a fan of Lou Sanders after listening to her appearance on RHLSTP (or Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast for the non-cool kids) that was enough to distract me. That said, when watched either side of James Acaster (series 7) and Ed Gamble (series 9) the win at all costs attitude of Iain Stirling shines out like an increasingly irritating beacon. That series does however unfortunately also suffer at times due to the uncomfortable performance of Paul Sinha who at the time was yet to be diagnosed with/publicly reveal his Parkinson’s disease as well as Joe Thomas’ pretence of not wishing to be there (which appears on the whole to be entirely truthful). In any other series Lou and Sian would still have shone but they both had more to give and deserved to be pushed more.

In terms of the current series, while we’re not even at the halfway point yet it definitely feels like the strongest lineup in a long time. Ordinarily I go into any series with a clear favourite, and while prima facie Victoria Coren Mitchell was the person I was most excited to see compete this year, that was never with the real expectation of victory. Undoubtedly she is able to approach tasks like no other and think outside the box and though her code-cracking skills in the most recent episodes where much to be admired, one of the things that has really stood out to me so far this season have been the contestants I was less enthusiastic about, really coming to the forefront. I’ve seen Guz khan on a number of programmes over the last few years and I have to be honest and say I never really got him before, but he is quickly becoming one of my favourites. I am certainly going to go back and rewatch his other contributions.

I’ve known of Morgana Robinson for years but aside from guest appearances on 8 out of 10 cats have somewhat avoided her work as I am not really a fan of impressionists. In fact that’s not really fair, generally speaking I hate them. If someone walks onto Britain’s Got Talent and announces they are an impressionist I Fast forward. It doesn’t matter how good they are I just don’t find them entertaining. All that being said, free to just be herself, it turns out I absolutely love the woman! She is the contestant this year that seems to approach tasks very much as I would and when I sit at home and think what I would bring in for each prize task, she is the one bringing what I have thought of. It doesn’t matter what Greg thinks, I love my hand mixer!

I’ve tried to avoid giving away too many spoilers here, but I’m guessing if you’ve read this far then you’ve probably been watching anyway and I can’t not let VCM mastering how to ride bike in under 5 minutes pass without comment. I don’t know who invented the phrase it’s like riding a bike let me tell you whoever that was was an idiot. Unlike Victoria I did learn to ride a bike as a child, however you’ll realise if you’ve read the previous incarnation of this blog, I spent way longer as a kid on skates. A fact that became all too obvious in December 2019 when while on holiday in Spain with my best friend and we decided it would be a good idea to hire bicycles to help us get around the resort. While I survived without any major injuries there was no point while cycling along major roads or even lanes surrounded by orange groves that I didn’t fear being collided with by Spanish traffic. My highlight of the series so far has to be that innocent joyful moment after Alex had blown the final whistle when Victoria asked him if she could carry on riding the bike for a bit longer. She might usually spend her days surrounded by top quizzers and the impenetrably intelligent David Mitchell, the simple joy of putting one pedal in front of the other without falling off could not be beaten.

I also watched the New Zealand version of Taskmaster in the wait for the current season to begin (all the episodes are available completely legally in the UK anyhow, on YouTube). It was a strange experience diving in with no clue who any of the contestants were and having made the grave error of giving the American incarnation a go I hadn’t expected much. The Kiwi answer to Alex Horne, Paul Williams, has clearly studied his British counterpart but still manages to bring his own twist to the role. While Alex has a tendency to look on vaguely encouragingly Paul maintains a cool and at times baffled expression throughout. The tasks are all brand new, yet very much in keeping with what we are used to and I will not spoil it but in series 2 there is one particular task which lasts longer than I believe any task in taskmaster history. Unfortunately Greg’s counterpart, Jeremy Wells is the one thing that lets the franchise down. While the contestants in both of the series to air so far, share the same gang show attitude as those in the UK, Jeremy does very little aside from awarding points. He gives very little justification for his marks and doesn’t really seem to discuss what they have done. In the second series one of the contestants is a close friend of his and while we have seen this in Britain with Rhod Gilbert, Jeremy often seems to reward them far and above what is deserved, in a way that Greg would never have dreamed of. All that being said, it is definitely worth giving it a watch if only to discover some real characters, many of whom would fit in perfectly in the Greg Davies world.

As for Squid Game I haven’t finished watching it yet put there are definitely some group tasks in there which it would be interesting to see translated – all be it without the rather gruesome consequences for failure! And who knows it might yet turnout that the man behind the mask is the little man himself.

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New/temporary beginnings

It is usually around this time with Dancing on Ice announcing next year’s contestants, that I would be making my predictions and examining what skills or previous experience they have, as well as trying to guess who they would be partnered with. However, currently I have still not been able to watch a whole ice dance since my injury. Earlier today I tried to watch Lilah Fear and Lewis Gibson’s rhythm dance from The Filandia Trophy but had to switch it off after less than a minute as not only do I find ice dance videos now triggering (flashbacks, phantom pains, nausea) they also now leave me with a numb sense of blank sadness.

Obviously this blog was originally set-up to discuss figure skating Dancing on Ice but right now I’m not really able to do that. I realise the regular visitors to my site come for that content and I’m sorry, but that isn’t what you’re going to be getting for the foreseeable. I do however, still want to post on here and so from now on the content is likely to be quite random as I will just be writing about whatever I feel like at that moment. For some of you, who read these posts only because you know me personally, this might actually come as a relief because you won’t have to pretend anymore to really care about skating!

In my last post I wrote about my accident so I’m not gonna rehash what happened. In terms of rehab I am making progress but it is definitely a lot slower than I originally anticipated and I know that it will be a long time (if ever) before I am back on the rink. That’s painful and sad but in the midst of that, it does take the pressure off and the thought of skating again frankly makes me feel sick. I’m no longer wearing a splint, am able to walk upstairs bending my left leg quite well – it hurts but I can lift it sufficiently. walking downstairs my left leg is okay if I lead with that leg (and therefore don’t bend it) but trying to lead with my right leg and therefore bend my left leg going down, is incredibly slow and still very very painful.  I am now going to church every Sunday thanks to friends giving me a lift and the same is true of midweek Bible study but other than that I can only really get out the house for a short walk up the street and back down the side of the park opposite where I live.

I am very blessed to still be able to work from home, as being stuck indoors for so long having something productive to do to distract me is imperative. I still haven’t managed to write any comedy material – more because I find I am a lot more tired than usual as it takes so much effort just to move about and I’m sleeping a lot more, rather than due to writer’s block. I am also lucky my improv classes are still running online so I have something fun with friends to look forward to each week so I’m still able to scratch my performing itch. I have or have had trials of pretty much every TV service and streaming service available and so could pretty much talk to you about almost any recent phenomena. it’s interesting to me that while I’m unable to bring myself to watch skating, as painful as it is the comedy world is reopening without me and many new ventures have begun in the North East and I haven’t been able to take part or attend, far and away the majority of programming I consume is comedy. They say that laughter heals all pain and for me that is very much true, it has always been what I turn to. Well, that and my faith obviously.

I’m not gonna write much more as I realise this post is already getting very long and very serious, but rest assured that the next post will be of a light and more upbeat nature.  if you made it this far well done and thanks for reading. If you have any suggestions as to what you’d like to hear about feel free to let me know. Disclaimer they may well turn into a multitude of Taskmaster posts as, those of you who know me will know, that is pretty much my favourite programme after Dancing on Ice and something which I have a lot of opinions on!

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Last Dance?

This isn’t really a post I would ever planned to have written but having put off writing it for the last two months, here we are. Please do not continue to read if you are at all squeamish. As those reading this are most likely aware, the rinks re-opened to adult and leisure skaters around twelve weeks ago. Needless to say I was delighted and headed over to Whitley Bay on the very Monday they opened for the first figure only session (hockey skaters sorry but you don’t make for good practice) excited to try out my new skates for the first time.

Unsurprisingly the session was quite a bit busier than those mid-day autumn sessions back when I’d been on furlough, though infinitely preferable to the average cram-packed public session. Nervously I stepped back on to the ice and attempted to find my feet again. After a few laps I was approached by one of the coaches who was busy teaching a youngster and given a couple of pointers with regards to twizzels and things I could work on while remaining on two feet. Encouraged I returned the following day and once again remembered just what it was I loved about being out there – that feeling of there being nothing else in the world in that moment, just you and the ice, peace and quiet, lost in no thoughts beyond skating. Determined to make the most of the rink being open I returned to the figure session the following Monday; encouraged and inspired by the more experienced skaters around me I decided to take the plunge and signed up to the learn to skate programme the following day.

At the start of my first group lesson we were asked to skate from one barrier to the other. Having roller skated for many years this was obviously no problem. I was then placed in a group, which I later discovered was group 2 (I’d unknowingly by-passed the beginners class, the rest of the class having already completed their first six-block of classes just before the last lockdown). Understandably there were a number of moves I struggled with but I was pleasantly surprised by how many transferable skills quad skating had given me. In week 2 we reached badge week. I signed up for lessons aiming to reach badge 4 (an arbitrary aim based solely on an awareness that a number of rinks limit patch ice time to those of that level or above) and with what I assumed was a pipe dream of one day being able to do forward crossovers.

As badge testing began, my coach informed me (and another girl who joined that week) that she wasn’t going to insult us with the first couple of badges (that mainly consist of marching on the spot and really checking whether you can stand up on your blades without losing balance) and so the group proceeded with our assessment. To my delight (and shock) we reached badge five, settling only that low(!) because as yet neither of us had mastered the T-stop necessary to proceed any further. Crazily the ‘motorbike’ which for reasons unknown I had no problem whasoever performing, does not appear until badge nine!

The following week the rest of my group moved on and myself and the other newbie were joined by those from group one who had reached badge 4 and bit by bit over the coming weeks we began working on…forward crossovers, backward crossovers, I mastered the t-stop, prep-work for spins, backward twizzels, steps and lunges (lunges, lunges, lunges…we’ll get to those). Every week I’d attend at least one session outside of class and by now these were back to two hours of ice-time, as well as half an hour of group lesson with an hour and a half practice afterwards. Slowly but surely I was getting better. I learnt to fall. Until the day before my first lesson I had only fallen on the ice once, back to my very first time on the ice at twelve years old, when during a youth club trip messing about a friend jokingly gave me a push and I put my hand out and landed on my wrist resulting in a hairline fracture. Ever since I’d been afraid of falling but knew that if I was going to get better I needed to get used to it and learn how to fall safely. Over the coming weeks I fell many times and aside from wet hands, prior to investing in gloves, it felt genuinely liberating. Anyone who’s seen competitive skating knows falling is an occupational hazard.

Lunges. Lunges. Lunges. The first time we were shown lunges I knew I had to do one. They’re actually relatively straightforward but look spectacular. Every trip to the rink I’d lunge away, always with my left leg bent in front and my right leg stretched out behind me, my arms outstretched imagining I was Lilah Fear at the end of Vogue. Knowing that ice dancers travel in all directions I’d attempt to lunge with my left right leg bend, left behind me but on auto pilot do it the other way around or wimp out at the last minute fearful something would go wrong. Fear is natural but it’s very easy to get in your own head and become stuck. I’d been scared of falling for over twenty years and yet I’d conquered that. I’d been terrified about skating backwards, and while I still wasn’t as comfortable with it as going forwards, I was progressing well. So the week before the next badge tests, a couple of minutes before the end of the lesson, having successfully lunged on from my preferred leg when we were invited to try and use the other leg I decided to go for it. About a quarter of the way across I tried but failed. As the midpoint came towards me it was time to just go for it…

What happened next I was not prepared for. Despite having repeatedly stated that I felt like my reluctance was ‘self-preservation’. In a micro second as I straightened my left leg behind me (but crucially for understanding what happened and why – before the blade had made contact with the ice) my entire leg collapsed and buckled over at a right angle. Yes it was every bit as painful as that sounds…and more. The rest of my group by now at the barrier saw me come to an awkward sudden halt. I needed to scream but just before I did so I noticed the two new girls in the corner who the week before had literally needed help just getting on the ice. I looked my group straight in the eye and mumbled “it’s bad, it’s really bad” before collapsing to the ice and letting out the most guttural, animalistic scream. Folk were quick to reach me but when there’s no way of getting up and it’s impossible to move you without causing further pain, removing me from the ice was not going to be straightforward. I remember being very aware of the public skaters on the other side of the cones, as well as the newbies in the corner and while it was impossible not to let out ear-piercing screams I was desperate not to freak them out and tried my best to remain calm.

I’d first dislocated my knee-cap back in 1998 and had done so again at least three or four times between then and 2012 and had known it could happen but this was different. I knew this was different. Back then after the first incident I’d gotten so used to it I would just pop it back in myself. There was no chance that was going to be possible, despite my initial pleas for “someone to put my leg back in” when the rink staff asked what I wanted/needed them to do. The ambulance was called and I was offered a choice. It was going to possibly take a couple of hours for the ambulance to get there (mid-pandemic and only an hour or so after the final whistle of the England v Germany game in the Euros) or they could get a wheel chair and attempt to move me. It needed to be done. My legs were tied together with a large, thick scarf as tight as could be done while still wearing sharp blades and chunky boots and around ten people all themselves wearing ice-skates, lifted me to safety (screaming once again at the top of my lungs in between apologising profusely for the noise I was making and panicked hysterics). Slowly we made it off the rink to a waiting stretcher. But with my leg hanging out at such an angle lowering my legs to the height of the stretcher was an impossible agony. Thankfully a quick thinking member of staff was able to locate some kind of foot stool which put on it’s side was just about the right height to keep my legs and feet elevated (with folk also holding on).

Eventually two paramedics arrived with the news “you’ve dislocated your knee”. Yeah thanks guys, I think I knew that! One of my fellow skaters lent me her skate guards (I’d naively left mine at home because my boots wouldn’t fit in my skate bag with them attached so “I didn’t need them”) while the ambulance crew gave me gas and air. I don’t have kids but having seen more than enough scenes of women in labour and heard talk of father’s stealing the tube for themselves, I was hopeful. Well, all I can say is childbirth must be a breeze! Hand on heart, all that gas and air did was give me something to put in my mouth to stifle the screaming. Eventually they managed to straighten my leg. However, for at least three hours afterwards I had to keep looking down at it to check because it still felt exactly the same and every bit as painful as when it was hanging off at ninety-degrees. After a trip to casualty that lasted hours (with no phone and my parents being sent home due to covid restrictions I’m rather hazy on exact timings) I was fitted with a splint and crutches and informed not only had I dislocated my knee-cap again but also my actual knee (hence the extra pain) but miraculously my tendons and ligaments had not snapped.

The initial plan was that I would keep the splint on 24/7 for two weeks and then have an appointment at the trauma clinic where the physiotherapist would bend my leg. Under no circumstances was I to bend it myself. Naively I imagined having straightened it for me they would take my leg and bend it back again in much the same way. After a telephone consultation and written correspondence my first appointment was made for four weeks after the accident, meaning an extra two weeks unable to bend and needing to keep it fully elevated at all times (minus getting to the toilet etc). The pain over those first few weeks was horrendous, but with the help of codeine and anti-inflammatories total agony turned to just incredibly painful. At my first trauma appointment I learnt that having not used my leg for so long they could not in fact just bend it for me and we needed to do so a bit at a time. Lying on the hospital bed it reached a pathetic five degrees or so bend. The following week it hit ten degrees.

It is now almost two months since my accident and I am still using the splint for the stairs in my flat (I suspect that will be the case for a while yet) and only have it off walking from one end of my living room to the other a couple of times a day, as well as when stationary and have been warned I will need the crutches for sometime to come. If I shuffle down my bed or across the coffee table I can just about bend it over the edge to the floor but have yet to manage sitting like that for longer than twenty minutes. My next appointment is tomorrow when we are going to start working on sitting in a chair (with crutches) from standing. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday in a church with old wooden pews so this is a must. If I lie on my back and try and move my leg in towards me I am still yet to be able to get my foot flat and the pain in that move has not really got any better.

As for the future? When I first did it, lying on the stretcher in the rink I joked that I would have to go back to watching Torvill and dean videos, as I’d been doing during the closure of the rinks. But I found I couldn’t. Every day over those first weeks I’d scroll passed all those Instagram videos of friends and idols skating away. It was too painful, not just physically (they’d literally make my knee sting) but emotionally. At one point my Mum told me “the best thing you can do is get rid of your skates”, “well that isn’t going to happen” I snapped. In my heart I felt certain the hospital would tell me I could never skate again. That was the real reason I couldn’t watch the videos. Heartbreak. I fell in love with skating (on wheels at first) as a two year old, after fifteen years of neglect I’d fallen in love with it all over again. I’d already wasted years not skating. I wasn’t prepared to loose any more.

When I explained to my physio how it had happened she instantly replied “we need to get you back on the ice”. I should have been delighted. Part of me is, and slowly I have begun to view some of those Instagram videos (those in my class who’ve now reached the dizzy heights of badge 11) but I’m still heartbroken. Knowing deep down that even if I do get back on the ice I’m unlikely to ever feel as free. I need to do lunges to progress. How could I risk it? What if I somehow did risk it and it happened again?

For now I know I need to concentrate on recovery. They say “don’t try and walk before you can run”, well certainly don’t try and skate before you can even sit!

While my learn to skate experience is certainly not the one I signed up for and it may seem hard to believe from what I’ve said, I still wouldn’t change it. How could I? My injury wasn’t caused by my skating. Not really. I didn’t actually do anything wrong. A pre-existing weakness in my knee caused it. Having been born less than six months after Bolero, I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about skating and regardless whether I get back or not I did it. My aim was badge 4 and attempt a forward crossover. I got to badge 5 and backwards crossovers. Right now, I just want to be able to sit in a chair and tearlessly watch Bolero!

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Calling all reserves

On Thursday’s This Morning, Christopher Dean admitted that he always advised the show’s reserve skaters to “Practice practice, because you’ve got about a sixty percent chance of being part of the show. And this year is no different”. Except of course, this year is different. Not only is Dancing On Ice subject to the obvious COVID restrictions, but for the first time in the show’s history both reserve skaters have indeed become part of the main show.

Over the years a number of back-up celebrities have found themselves skating on live television with little notice as well as a raft of professionals drafted in following injury, fall-outs and undisclosed backstage changes. In this post, I’ll look at both this series and the line-up changes of series past to try and glean what this year’s newbies, Amy and Matt (and their partners Joe and Vicky) might expect and if there’s anything they could learn from.

Way back in 2006 when the show started the first draft of celebrities appeared to escape unscathed with no withdrawals and it’s therefore unclear who the reserve skaters were for the first two series as they went utilised. How much these guys kept up their practice during the run is a mystery, but it’s interesting to think somewhere out there may be four well-known names with secret ice skills still waiting to be unleashed.

It wasn’t until the third series, in 2008 when children’s television presenter Michael Underwood was forced to withdraw after week two due to a broken ankle that we saw the first replacement hit the ice. Waterloo Road actress, Zaarah Abrahams and her partner Palascak joined in week 3, and did Michael and his professional partner Melanie Lambert proud finishing a more than respectable third. The following season saw Michael and Melanie return to the ice briefly before rather disappointingly being the fourth couple eliminated.

The fifth and sixth season of the show saw another tranche of celebrities escaping unscathed and so yet again we are left to wonder which celebrities missed out on their chance to spiral their way to glory. While series 7 saw history repeat itself somewhat with 1980s icon Chesney Hawkes injuring himself ahead of transmission and being replaced by eventual third place skaters Chico and his partner Jodeyen Higgins. The following season saw professional rugby player forced to withdraw due to extreme motion sickness and nausea ahead of the flying routine in week eight. Such a late withdrawal meant yet again the back-up skaters were unable to participate.

After another series not using replacements, series ten saw cricketer Monty Panesar withdraw due to injury prior to transmission before being replaced by Lemarr and Melody Le Moal. However this season saw a number of non-injury replacements for reasons it’s hard to uncover. Newly appointed professional skaters Lloyd Jones and Megan Marscall  both opted to leave the show prior to airing and (it appears) before being partnered for undisclosed personal reasons and were replaced with the ever popular Mark Hanretty and 2020 champion Alex Murphy. While the commentary box was occupied by Matt Chapman for just one week before he was axed and replaced by TalkSport commentator Sam Matterface.

Another uneventful season in 2018 was followed by controversy and injury aplenty last year. Television presenter Michael Barrymore (an already controversial booking) had been partnered with fan favourite Alex Murphy broke his leg prior to the competition airing and was replaced with former Blue Peter presenter Radzi Chinyanganya and Jess Hatfield, who were in my opinion extremely unlucky to be eliminated third. Not least when you consider their skate-off opponents – Caprice and Oscar Peters. The least said about the former’s antics and withdrawal the better, but if you really want to go there you can read the piece I wrote prior to the announcement of her replacement partner and subsequent withdrawal from the competition, here. Professional skater Alexander Schuman was originally paired with former Eastender, Joe Swash before injury saw her replaced with Alex Murphy, the two then going on to take the crown.

With this year’s series subject to understandably stringent health and safety measures in the light of the COVID-19 pandemic it was always likely someone was going to miss a week or be forced to withdraw. Following professional skater Yebin Mok’s nasty leg injury in training it was agreed that comedian Rufus Hound and his partner Robin Johnstone would skate in week 1 allowing Graham and stand-by pro Karina Mantra to take their place in week 2. When Denise Van Outen subsequently dislocated her shoulder ahead of their first skate, no such change was forthcoming and so her and Matt Evers gallantly pressed on with a pared down performance which while not setting the ice on fire, was enough to see them voted through to musicals week. Having come into contact with someone who had tested positive for COVID, Rufus was forced to miss week 2 and isolate. However not being due to skate (aside from the group number) this was the one week where it was possible for this to happen and stay in the competition. After all, as Strictly has demonstrated over the years on occasion couples get ill or suffer personal issues requiring a week off (Tina O’Brien was absent from SCD for a week due to shingles and Billie Shepherd was absent from last week’s DOI due to a family bereavement).

Latterly it was discovered that Denise’s shoulder injury was worse than first though and so stand-by Amy Tinkler (former Olympic gymnast) and her partner (new pro) Joe Johnson took to the ice last week cheered on by Denise and Matt Evers (who had gone as far as moving in with Denise and her family for the duration of the run). Earlier this week it was announced that having tested positive himself for the virus, Rufus Hound is to be replaced by the second standby, comedian and broadcaster, Matt Richardson and his partner Vicky Ogden (who last skated on the show in 2014 when she was paired, with now husband, Sam Attwater).

While Alexander Schuman returned from injury last year too late to rejoin her partner, there must have at the very least been some satisfaction in seeing Joe go on to become champion, knowing she had played her part in his victory. Sadly for Yebin (who it was expected could have returned in later weeks to partner Graham), last week’s skate off and the fact the pro numbers have all needed to be pre-recorded this week mean we will not see her back live on the ice this year. With 2021 being Mok’s first stint on the show it is to be hoped she is signed again next year as doubtless she had much more to give.

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Intros, Injuries, Eliminations and Endless Adverts

WARNING THIS POST DOES CONTAIN WEEK 1 AND WEEK 2 SPOILERS

Finally! Dancing on Ice 2021 kicked off on Sunday 17th January with an opening group number showing the professionals skateless and dancing off ice like the rest of us before culminating in the studio with rainbows aplenty no doubt in tribute to those risking their lives on the front line of the pandemic. Like all of this year’s pro numbers, the opener was pre-recorded late last year and what a treat it was to see Torvill and Dean back together doing what they do best.

This year the judges desk is slightly enlarged but more noticeable is are the perspex dividers separating them all, Jayne and Chris included. While we’ve grown used to seeing Holly and Phil standing apart on ITV’s This Morning, after decades together it really is a sign of the times that Britain’s most beloved Winter Olympians can no longer even touch.

So to the skaters themselves. With longer to prepare than ever before, and many competitors with little else to occupy there time, it is perhaps unsurprising that the current crop seem determined to out perform those that have gone before. A few months ago I wrote a couple of pieces predicting how they may fair and it’s safe to say that already a number have surprised me. However, Jason Donovan who opened the show I am sad to say did not. As I’ve mentioned before, being born in the year of Bolero, the Aussie singer was my very first crush. In fact, to my knowledge I still have his board game somewhere in my parents loft! However, despite still being somewhat more steady than many in previous openers it was clear he had the least natural balance on the ice and my initial prediction of a mid to low table finish seems pretty well spot on.

My previously baseless hopes for Joe-Warren Plant were given some base in reality. Although being the only celeb to actually fall did also back up my previous thoughts that he also had the potential to become Bambi on ice. Skating alongside the ever successful Vanessa Bauer, the Emmerdale star put in a gutsy, fast-paced performance and was clearly having the time of his life. The fall was unfortunate (particularly given he’d already mastered far trickier moves without fault) but if he reigns in his energy a tad my early prediction of him reaching the final seems rather likely at this stage.

Next up on the ice was former Big-Breakfast presenter Denise Van Outen alongside professional skater and fan favourite, Matt Evers. After a nasty fall earlier in the week left Denise with a dislocated shoulder (as well as some later discovered breaks) necessitated a hastily re-choreographed number. White DVO’s natural performance skills were evident sadly so was her pain. I had eyed Denise up as a potential winner but sadly it has been announced today that the injury has forced her and Matt to withdraw from this year’s competition. One hopes that her and Matt will be allowed to return next year, especially given competing in the show is pretty much the only way for most folk to be allowed on the ice at the moment.

Lady Leshurr was certainly the most suprising star of the night. Having only come across the rapper on Celebrity Masterchef, i wasn’t expecting a lot. However, her and Brendyn’s routine was one of my favourite’s of the night and despite being saved by the judges following the skate off this week, it remains a travesty that they were put in that position in the first place.

Whilst comedian Rufus Hound’s Mario brother’s inspired routine was certainly a favourite in the room, and his gratitude at being given the judge’s golden ticket through to musicals week was genuine and touching, it simply didn’t light me up as much as the others. It was however impressive to learn that such a newbie had been so instrumental in styling and choreographing his first number. My early prediction that he would face the skate off along with Rebekah was clearly wrong and in both cases, correctly so.

Speaking of Rebekah Vardy – wow! I said in my predictions post that  I hate that DOI contestants often fail to progress or progress beyond merit based on off ice reasoning so I was delighted that after such a brilliant performance sufficient viewers rewarded the WAG with a place in Musicals week. Not only did Rebekah manage to skate at a fairly decent pace (a bug bear of mine) for someone not from a performing background, I thought her presentation was a delight. It was clear she was nervous and lacked confidence, properly due in no small part to the public’s perception of her but her natural ability really means that she really ought not to. While I had believed she was a sure for an early exit, providing she keeps on progressing as she clearly has, there is every chance she may well go far.

In both week 1 and week 2 we were treat to pre-recorded pro-numbers featuring the new professionals including Karina Mantras and Joe Johnson, both of whom it’s safe to say I am pretty much obsessed with. The pair simply ooze style and bring grit and grunge to the ice.

My only bug bear with week 1 was the 32 minutes of the 2 hour show spent on ad breaks. While I appreciate the show relies on advertising revenue and neither Torvill nor Dean are responsible for the decision or placing of said breaks, having an ad break after every couple was not only infuriating but it did also seem that we missed out on following the skaters journeys in as much detail as previous years. This may be in part because unlike the last series we hadn’t been treat to a Christmas special.

Opening week 2, Colin Jackson was steady(ish) but I’m afraid to say rather forgettable. My prediction of an early exit may still be true as though certainly not one of the worst 3 or 4 will need to add more umph to his skate if he’s to avoid getting lost in the crowd.

Billie Shepherd and Mark Hanretty proved again why my early predictions came with the warning they had been based on not a lot. For years I’d baselessly thought Billie might make a good skater. Visably nervous and lacking performance they were pretty much the weakest in an unusually strong field. Mark is one of my favourite pros and I’d love to seem him go far this year but while the TOWIE star’s fans may have kept her from the skate off this week it was certainly undeserved.

Next up was perhaps the biggest shock to many of the evening. While having predicted a mid-table finish for Olympic skier Graham Bell initially, having been impressed with what I’d seen on his instagram feed I was already suspecting I should have been more generous. Despite a last minute change of partner following Yebin Mok’s nasty injury in training, the Ski Sunday presenter’s gold lame ski suit was not the only this to bring sparkle to the rink. His skating was fast without unnecessary fury, fun, packed with tricks and demonstrated real showman ship. From what we’ve seen so far i am confident that he and Joe-Warren will be the last male celebs standing, which having placed an early bet on him for the crown I’m rather pleased about.

Sonny-Jay delivered a solid performance alongside Scottish skater Angela Egan. His performance while impressive was rather lost in the evening and I was surprised but happy for him that his talent was rewarded with the final gold ticket from the judges. Not being a listener of Capital Radio, it would have been a shame for him to risk an early departure after demonstrating real potential. He has a little bit to go to usurp Joe-Warren and Graham but it certainly doesn’t seem impossible at this stage.

I’ve no idea really why I had assumed Myleene Klass would be a semi-finalist or better but it was clear from the earliest moments of her performance that this was not going to be the case. The former Hearsay vocalist, mentioned in her VT that both of her daughters are regulars at the rink and she had agreed to take part in order to avoid just being another Mum at the rink. While it’s arguable that Billie ought to have been in the skate-off instead, it was clear that her of Jason would be favourites to leave in musicals week had she made it that far. It’s a real shame as I feel Lukasz has yet to be rewarded with a partner who can really showcase his talents.

Hamish Gaman! After such a painfully unfair exit from last years competition many of us had hoped the British skater would be rewarded not only with a talented partner but most of all with someone deserving of his patience and kindness. Thankfully, we seem to have got our wish. Faye Brookes not only came across as deeply pleasant and keen to learn but delivered probably the best opening skate of any series. If she is to become the female Ray Quinn it is no less than our Hamish deserves.

Over all both shows delivered exactly what we wanted right now; glitz, tricks, stumbles, struggles and rising stars. Cut the ad breaks a bit and this year looks set to be a corker!

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Dancing on Thin Ice

For the last forty-five years Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean have graced the world’s rinks together. The Nottingham rink (now The International Ice Centre) of the 1970s was decorated with an alpine mural showing skaters on a frozen lake, inspiring Chris to one day go al fresco. Dancing on Thin Ice saw the 1984 gold medallists head to Alaska in search of such a scene, on which to perform the iconic Bolero.

Stephen Fry’s commentary detailed the drastic effect of climate change on the world’s glaciers. Despite travelling last November when meteorologists would forecast ample opportunity, it soon became clear that the warming world (the temperature in Alaska, like the arctic as a whole increasing four times more than the rest of the globe) is not only depriving us of wild ice but forever changing the lifestyles of remote communities reliant on the wild life found there.

After arriving at Spencer Glacier (in the Chugach National Forest) Jayne and Chris were finally able to get on with skating outdoors. However with rocks and methane bubbles aplenty it was not to be home to the new edition Bolero. Local guide, Matt Szundy explained that with temperatures rising faster than the thousands of years old glazier was melting, it was more than possible that were they to return, it would be unrecognizable.

Despite then embarking on a ten hour journey north on the Alaskan Railroad to Fairbanks (the largest city in the Interior region of Alaska), only one of the lakes suitable for skating was actually frozen. In Fairbanks, the problem was it was too cold! Snow is not the place for skating. After scraping away the snow it was ascertained that the ice beneath was thick enough to stand up and so after an impressive clearance surrounded by piles of snow as well as mountains, Jayne and Chris stepped out to dance Bolero (albeit a revised version more suitable to a pair of sexagenarians).

I’m not really one for natural history shows (while most of my compatriots seem to lap up Attenborough documentaries, and I can appreciate those for their photographic brilliance and understand the necessity to document the world as it is in the moment), this show was really able to draw me in. Not only were us skate lovers treated to 90 minutes of Torvill and Dean (always a pleasing sight), and Fry’s commentary never shied away from detailing our climate emergency, there was clear and easy to understand scientific evidence displayed. The lighting of methane bubbles was not only visibly pleasing but the kind of experiment even the youngest viewer would have been able to understand.

With rinks in the UK currently closed to almost every skater bar a sparse number of elites and some under 18s, Dancing on Thin Ice was a love letter to the cold stuff. At one point Jayne and Chris joined a family on their natural backyard rink, something (unfortunately?) not really an option here. While I’ve now ordered my first pair of Ice Skates of my own (Graf Bolero) as I really can’t handle those awful clunky, plastic hire skates any longer, heaven knows how long it will be until I’m actually able to put them to use. Thankfully, ITV’s Dancing On Ice is due to air it’s 2021 series from January 17th so regular readers should have more posts to read soon!

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The Real Full Monty on Ice

With presumably less than a month to go before Dancing on Ice returns to our screens, ITV treat us to yet more celebrity skaters stepping even further away from their comfort zones on Monday and Tuesday in The Real Full Monty on Ice. The show was a continuation of previous years’ cancer awareness campaigns culminating in this year’s striptease led by DOI judge, Ashley Banjo and choreographed by DOI’s creative director, Dan Whiston. Amongst those participating in this year’s show were six former DOI contestants including winners Hayley Tammadon and Jake Quickenden, as well as 2020 runner-up Peri Kiely.

The first show on Monday while showing the celebrities getting together on the ice for the first time, and former Hollyoaks’ actor, Jamie Lomas’ fear of the ice, mainly consisted of clips detailing their reasons for participating in the show. Each celebrity that took part had like likely almost each viewer, been effected by family or friends that have been diagnosed with cancer. 1981 Grand National winner Bob Champion (71), the eldest of the participants spoke frankly in both episodes of having been weeks away from death when diagnosed with testicular cancer leading him to establish The Bob Champion Cancer Trust in 1983, which raises money for The Bob Champion Cancer research laboratory, which forms part of the largest male dedicated research facility in Europe. While ex-Love Island contestant, Chris Hughes explained how having appeared on This Morning alongside Dr Chris Steel to demonstrate a testicular examination and encourage men to check themselves regularly, his elder brother Ben discovered a lump and was diagnosed the following day.

The show also did not shy away from the fact that many men and women though aware of the need for regular checks, fail to do so either out of fear or failing to prioritise them. Ex-professional rugby star and 2013 DOI alumni, Gareth Thomas spoke openly in Tuesday night’s episode of his family history of cancer and how living with HIV, he was to some degree afraid of checking due to not wanting to add any more issues to those he was already living with. Viewers then saw Gareth in conversation with his father who bluntly explained that due to his father and grandfather both having been effected by the disease, he was at an increased risk and he owed it to his husband as well as his family to get himself checked out, which he then did.

Similarly, former Women’s Hour presenter Dame Jenni Murray, talked honestly of missing a routine mammogram and simply forgetting to rebook. Subsequently, Jenni endured a double mastectomy having been diagnosed with breast cancer on the same day her Mum passed away. Perhaps the shows most vital imagery in terms of female cancer, was provided by four breast cancer survivors who not only detailed their experiences but generously allowed both the ladies and the viewers to see the reality of their mastectomy scars. Two of the women had opted to not have reconstructive surgery, another had reconstruction at the same time as her breast removal, and the fourth though not wishing for reconstruction had been left with “pouches” which meant it would be possible in the future (though terribly this was not what she had instructed the surgeon to do). Though shocking these images, allowed women to see the reality of surgery and I believe make women facing surgery aware not only of their options, but prepare them for what their bodies may look like afterwards, and realise that none of these options were to be feared.

The celebrities were joined on the ice by twelve skating professionals (including DOI alumini Alex Murphy, Sylvain Longchambon, Alex Demetriou, Maria Filippov, Vicky Ogden and Oscar Peter). Though we were told that the celebrities had all been sent for skating lessons we were not partial to footage and Chris was forced to admit to a understandably irritated Ashley banjo, that he had failed to attend any sessions outside of the group practices. Throughout their training, both Dan Whiston and Ashley Banjo were forced to be absent due to exposure to COVID and celebrity Jamie Lomas, who had been reluctant at first to take part, was forced to miss the final show due to receiving a positive test result.

Both Hayley and Coleen stepped into the breech, to ensure the celebrities carried on their preparations, with Hayley needing to quieten down the group while Dan attempted to teach them the choreography via mobile phone at the same time that Ashley was also absent due to self isolation. Despite the far from ideal circumstances, the group came together in the final show not only conquering their fears of the actual strip, but Dr Zoe Williams (This Morning resident GP and ex-Gladiator) and former Love Island contestants Chris Hughes and Shaughna Philips, none of whom had previous skating experience all succeeded in taking part in the group dances to an impressive standard given the short and difficult preparations. The clever choreography, allowing for the elder Jenni and Bob to remain on the somewhat more stable carpeted area. 2018 DOI champion, Jake Quickenden who had spoken so movingly of the heart-breaking loss of both his father and young brother, performed a beautiful rendition of Have yourself a merry little Christmas in front of a monochrome display of the loved ones each celebrity was performing in memory of.

This was the first Real Full Monty show I had watched and I was pleasantly surprised not only by the actual performance itself, but the detail the show went into in terms of the need for and practicalities of self examination.

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First Impressions (part two)

Now that the final three contestants have been announced I thought it was probably time to get round to completing my ridiculously early predictions. If you missed part one you can find it here.

@ladyleshurr

Freestyle rapper, Lady Leshurr (born Melesha Katrina O’Garro) is one of those contestants that I have to admit to only knowing from being a ‘celebrity’ on another show. That said from this year’s Celebrity Masterchef she came across as willing to learn and game for a laugh. With a 2016 MOBO award under her belt, it would be hoped that the thirty year old midlander would have a good grasp of musicality. However, while the cooking show portrayed her as a thoroughly pleasant lady she did also appear to be rather goofy. With (like many of this year’s stars) little to go on, at this stage I predict a lower/mid-table finish.

@billiefaiers

Billie Shepherd (known as Billie Faiers prior to her marriage in 2019) is one contestant that i have baseless high hopes for. generally speaking Towie/the Mummy Diaries aren’t really my type of shows. However having been bored in hotel rooms on too many occasions I have seen far more of Billie than i’d care to admit and unlike many in those programmes, personally I think she’s always come across quite well. Whether it’s her build or height (1.63m to Jayne Torvill’s 1.6m), I’m not sure but I’ve long thought Billie would be a good fit for DOI. Plus she’s since been paired with Mark Hanretty a personal favourite who did such great work last season with visually impaired (functionally sightless) paralympian Libby Clegg. Based on nothing bar my own enthusiam and longing for a female Ray Quinn I predict winner!

@rufushound

Which brings us finally to Rufus Hound (41) comedian who’s stood (unsuccessfully) for election to the European Parliament and endorsed, re-endorsed and defended former Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn, including performing at the 2016 “Keep Corbyn” event in Kentish Town. While ten or so years ago, Rufus was a fairly regular face on talk shows and panels, controversies such as his much derided tweet in 2017 labeling the bombing of the Arianna Grande concert at Manchester Arena as a “false flag operation” allowed by Theresa May in order to increase her poll ratings have done little to boost Hounds’ popularity. Lack of mass recognisability isn’t always that much of a handicap on talent based celebrity shows. However while I suspect Lady Leshurr and Sonny Jay fans will tune into any shows they appear on, I’m unconvinced Rufus Hound fans will do so in sufficient numbers to compensate. I also (again like most of these predictions based on never having seen Rufus in skates) am not foreseeing great things. I predict he will be in the first skate off with Rebekah Vardy.

How likely are any of these predictions to come true? No idea, but I thought it would be fun to do these early and see how quickly and how vastly opinions change once the show begins or even once training VTs begin to emerge. Some of the celebrities I now know who they’ve been partnered with but I’ve purposely tried to stay clear of allowing them to colour my judgement (and aside from Billie as mentioned above) did not have that info when I formed my initial prediction.

I’d love to know what folk reading this think? Do you have a favourite already? Who do you think is going to suprise us? Do you have any ideas of posts you’d like to see? Feel free to comment and let me know. In the meantime, enjoy this proof that 2021 preparations have officially begun!

@torvillanddean
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First Impressions

A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to take part in one of Dan Whiston’s online Zumba classes which aside from confirming lockdown has done little to improve my poor fitness levels, also confirmed that the Dancing on ice team were a week away from beginning the process of getting 2021 season training underway. And so it is that over the last couple of weeks, ITV have begun announcing their new signings. Therefore having been a bit lax in posting of late, I thought it made sense to details my impressions so far and fun to make a few (as yet uninformed) predictions for the coming DOI season.

Myleene Klass (who appears not to have a Twitter handle).

The first celeb announced was former Hearsay member and Royal Academy of Music alumi, Myleene Klass (42). Whilst, Hearsay weren’t especially known for their inventive dance routines (unlike Steps whose Ian ‘H’ Watkins finished in 7th place back in March), Myleene’s classical training and skills suggests a sound sense of rhythm. Furthermore, Klass spent two years studying Musical Theatre at the Royal Academy of Music suggesting its not just her vocal chords she’s able to flex. Whilst her records haven’t always been to my personal taste, she’s always come across as likeable with a sense of fun and with a win on Popstars and runner-up spot on I’m a Celebrity under her belt, providing she can get to grips with her skates I suspect she’s going to do well. At this early stage I’d guess semi-finalist or better.

Joe Plant Fans (@PlantFans) | Twitter
Joe -Warren Plant @jacobGEmmerdale

Two days later, Emmerdale “star” Joe-Warren Plant (18) led to my first “who?” of the series. I must confess I’ve barely seen Emmerdale this millennium so my impressions on the lad aren’t really grounded in any facts. That said at the tender age of eighteen, I think Plant has real potential; the energy of youth, lack of creaking bones, appealing to teen voters, less fearful of falls. I also don’t necessarily think being less recognisable to as wide a range of viewers as some is too much of a disadvantage…Wes Nelson, Libby Clegg, Kem Cetinay, Jake Quickenden all did very well. Also historically Emmerdale cast members have done very well on the show; Hayley Tamaddon and Matthew Wolfenden having both taken the crown. Prediction? Runner-up/Third place. Although does also have the potential to be Bambi on ice.

Denise Van Outen @denise_vanouten

A day later, former Strictly Come Dancing runner up, Denise Van Outen (46) was announced. Apart from impressing in the ballroom, Van Outen (alumnus of Sylvia Young Theatre School) has wowed audiences in West End Productions of Legally Blond, Chicago and others. Of cause whether Den can translate her Strictly skills to the ice as successfully as James Jordan remains to be seen but I’d be very surprised if she went out before the semis. Prediction? Winner/Runner-up

Faye Brookes @fayeBrookes

After Den, came former Coronation Street actress Faye Brookes (33). Another Musical Theatre graduate, Brookes has tread the boards in Grease, Shrek and Legally Blonde. Again one presumes therefore she can vaguely move. That said without much to go on at this stage I predict a mid-table finish.

Jason Donovan @JDonOfficial

Ok, next up comes the second contestant in the shows history to have been given the honour of having one of my childhood goldfish name after them (RIP both Stephen Gatelys!). Jason Donovan (52) came third in Strictly in 2011 and is another West End alumni having appeared most notably in Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat as well as Sweeney Todd and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The oldest male celebrity (discounting injured Barrymore’s non-appearance last season) since Bobby Davro’s rather forgettable appearance in 2010 (and a couple of this years celebrities further down this list), JD’s inclusion is the one that’s got this kid of the 80s the most excited. I’d love to see him do well and being held in such affection by those of a certain vintage I feel confident he’ll stay in a while but honestly? I predict mid to lower table finish. I hope I’m wrong though!

Sonny Jay @sonnyjay

Not being a teenager or a student, Capital FM Breakfast show isn’t really my bag, but radio DJ Sonny Jay (27), whose band Loveable Rogues google informs me made it to the Britain’s Got Talent final in 2012, is another one who presumably can keep to the beat. His co-host Roman Kemp did very well in last year’s I’m a Celeb and was very unfortunate in not taking the win. His Wikipedia page is rather sparse and so again I’m basing this on very little but though unlikely to be the first out I predict an early exit.

Colin Jackson @colinjackson

As a former world champion and Olympic athlete, Colin Jackson (53) will be well au fait with grueling training schedules. Whether having retired from competition in 2002 he’s still up for the early starts and leg cramps only time will tell. Like Denise and Jason, Colin competed in BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing back in 2005 and like Denise finished second. However, unlike Denise, for reasons I can’t quite justify I’m not sure Mr Jackson will find his feet on the ice. At 5″11.5 he may be just an inch taller than Christopher Dean, but I fear that may be where the similarities end and suspect those long legs may be his downfall. I predict an early exit. Sorry Colin!

Graham Bell @skigrahambell

In my opinion the most surprising announcement so far, former British Olympic skier Graham Bell (54) is somewhat of an enigma. according to his Wikipedia page he competes in triathlons, 24 hour mountain biking events and regularly competes in the Etape Du Tour cycle race. All of which suggests he’s maintained his endurance levels. Will having been part of Team GB at Sarajevo 84 ignite the drive to persevere through to Bolero? Literally no idea! But since I promised predictions…I predict a comfortable mid-table finish.

Rebekah Vardy @RebekahVardy

The most recent signing announced is possibly the most difficult personally to be objective on. Rebekah Vardy (38); wife of Leicester City player Jamie (a description I hate but let’s be honest aside from litigation it’s the only reason we know who she is). Back in 2017 Vardy was not only the third person voted out of that year’s I’m A Celebrity but also the reason (for the first and as yet only time) I gave up watching that year’s series. I hate that DOI contestants often fail to progress or progress beyond merit based on off ice reasoning, but to be blunt unless public opinion shifts quickly (which I presume is exactly what Rebekah is hoping for by taking part) she won’t last long. Prediction? Will be in the first skate off and possibly survive for a week or two after.

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Back on the ice but still back of the queue

Whitley Bay Ice Rink Public session 17/08/20

I wasn’t planning on waiting so long to write another post, but celebrating the progress Dancing on Ice has made on the new series while the rinks remained closed just seemed distasteful. While pubs and restaurants has been allowed to re-open back on 4th July presumably because drunks are well-known for not invading personal space (?) the Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCSM) announced that UK rinks could re-open on 25th July, before backtracking on 10th July and stating the inclusion of ice rinks in the list of establishments that were being given the green light was an “administrative error”. Fast-forward a couple of weeks and 1st August was given as the new date; rinks began the expensive and time-consuming process of replacing the ice that had been melted months before, sharpening hire skates, disinfecting and installing signage to ensure compliance with British Ice Skating’s guidelines on safe practice (that had been agreed months before), just in time for the DCMS to announce late in the day on 30th July that rinks were in fact NOT to be allowed to open the following day. It was therefore perhaps not surprising that when the next date for re-opening of Saturday 8th August, few of us went to bed truly believing that in a few days time we’d be back on the glorious cold stuff. While premier league football had resumed on 17th June and millions tuned in to see players leaping all over each-other celebrating and by the end of July every Olympic discipline had resumed training…well all that didn’t involve ice skates!

Ice-skaters were forced to siit at home watching the premier league stars on the pitch

Jayne Torvill, Christopher Dean, Robin Cousins, John Curry…4 British Olympians, 4 British Gold Medal Winners, 4 British SPORTS Personality of the year winners…and yet Ice sports were (and as I write have still been) categorised by DCMS as “lesiure” and not sport. One disgruntled athlete even going as far as to be tasked my their local MP’s caseworker with providing evidence that skating is a sport! As Robin Cousins correctly pointed out on Twitter” Figure skating was first introduced as an Olympic sporting event at the 1908 Summer Games and since 1924 it’s been part of the Winter Olympic Games. Ice Dance was introduced as an Olympic sport in 1976 and the team event in 2014″. Although last Saturday common sense prevailed and skaters (in England) were finally allowed back and Scottish rinks are (currently) due to re-open on 31st August (for Wales the wait continues), the fact remains that DCMS has not only shown nothing but disrespect to our athletes leading to the hashtag #overlookedolympicsport the continuation of placing rinks in the same category as casinos leaves the very real possibility that come a second wave, ice dancers will be the first to be forced to halt training.

A little over 48 hours after skaters in England were allowed back on the rink I headed over to a public skating session at Whitley Bay (my local rink), having not stepped on the ice myself for a couple of years. As those who’ve read this blog will know i’m a huge ice dance fan (obviously) but my skating experience is from childhood/teen recreational street skating and at the start of lockdown I purchased my first pair of quad skates in fifteen years. As street skaters know, and ice skaters have been discovering, there are few public spaces with ground smooth enough to enjoy. Which is why a few months back I was forced to ring my Dad for a lift home having rocked the chasis off one of my skates on the uneven council tarmac!

council pavements don’t like skates

Having read and seen much of regular ice dancers being forced to practice ‘off-ice’ and concentrating on the potential benefits they’d find back on the ice, I was naturally curious to see whether i’d too find myself embracing the comparative lack of friction and lightness of the boots. I arrived 15 minutes before the session began (you don’t need to pre-book but they do ask you to attend a quarter of an hour early to be processed, those with skates need to enter booted up, while if like myself you require hire skates you enter the ice via a separate entrance) and spent a few minutes worried i’d have the rink to myself. Much as I’ve spent a quarter of this year dreaming of standing solo in the middle of the rink, in reality given my mediocre skills the idea of being watched was rather too much to bear. Thankfully, a young girl in hockey skates soon arrived accompanied by her (I presume) boyfriend in hire skates, a father and his seven or eight year old daughter, three young athletes and their two coaches joined me. Face masks must be worn on entrance (thankfully I found a scarf down the back of my passenger seat after I realised I’d left mine at home) and with the exception of the coaches, can be removed while skating.

For a recreational skater like myself the session was a dream; nobody clinging on to the sides or falling all over the place getting in your way, talented athletes practicing in your vicinity demonstrating perfectly the art of this glorious sport, inspiring you to skate harder, faster and challenge yourself to try new things, a freshly laid surface (I went to the 11am session so less than 2 hours after the Zamboni had given it a good polish) and freshly sharpened hire skates that probably hadn’t been used since sharpening. While I’d forgotten how heavy hire skates are (plastic, with tight straps) compared to my leather lace-up quads, the smooth gliding blades and friction free ice reminded me quite why Jayne Torvill has been repeatedly quoted as describing it as “the closest thing to flying”. Having roller skated (off and on) for 33 years, I was shocked to find how much easier I found basic skating. Despite beginning skating way back in 1987 (aged 3), due to a combination of financial and geographical limitations and priorities I’ve never had any lessons. As a child, the only way to learn was to give it a go (possibly still the best way). Over thirty years later with the availability of countless Youtube tutorials I’d been trying to relearn crossovers on my quads, briefly managing a few (basic but not entirely satisfactory) forward crossovers (backwards skating still seems to be alluding me). While I was confident enough racing round the ice, bubbles (or cola bottles as they were named on our street) seeming even easier on ice, short spurts on one foot, trying to work out which edge to use meant I didn’t conquer crossovers on ice but I won’t be defeated!

With the Prime Minister announcing a new government strategy on tackling obesity the sweat dripping off my back (sexy it was not) just twenty minutes into the session, the weightless sensation (as with swimming) enabling you to push harder and faster, one would suggest the rink would be the perfect place to get Britain moving. While gym addicts are reminded of the dangers in forgetting ‘leg day’, skating provides an all body work out and aside from the athletes those on the rink are just normal folk, too busy staying upright to judge anyone else. While I confess my calves burnt with lactic acid when I got back in my car, at no point on the rink did I even notice a slight twinge. Needless to say, I will not be leaving it a few years before I head back. If it wasn’t for the clash with my improv classes (currently only Tuesday classes are available) I’d be signing up for lessons like a shot. At £54 for 6 sessions it also works out cheaper than a trip to the gym.

Which just leaves, the small issue of this year’s Dancing on Ice? While our future Olympians were left to flounder, the show was left pondering whether it would be at all possible to get round this (having it’s own rink which is used for filming the show at RAF Bovingdon). Back-up plans were put in place, to film special episodes utilising clips from the vast back catalogue. Come July, however it seemed that the show was back on track having been given permission to place celebrities on the ice and begin the audition process, aiming to launch the live shows as usual in early January 2021. Although, John Barrowman (who joined the ice panel last season) has admitted that it’s as yet unclear whether the show will go ahead. With contestants rumoured to include Towie’s Billie Faeires (who I must admit I’d quite like to see), Coronation Street’s Sally Dynevor (Sally Metcalfe) and former England footballer Wayne Bridge (husband of ex-Saturday member and Strictly contestant Frankie Bridge) it is to be hoped that now the rinks have re-opened a government guideline friendly way can be found to keep the show on air. Although regardless when the next season airs the decision not to recontract last year’s winning professional Alex Murphy is one decision I could never endorse.

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Fear of The future

For clarity I must stress that what follows is merely my observations of the impact of the current situation on the sport and is in no way meant to be a judgement on the decisions being made by any sporting body. Indeed, given the current rates of global infection let alone the catastrophic death rate it is arguable that no organised sporting events should be taking place and of cause, much as I like many, find great pleasure in ice dance if the last few months have taught us anything it is surely the importance of who and what we chose to surround ourselves with. That said, one day, how soon I cannot say, but one day this will be over and something resembling normality (as opposed to the new normal) will resume and it’s to that which I look.

Regular readers of this blog may be aware that I am was due to attend the British Figure skating championships in Sheffield in December. With the World Figure Skating Championships in Montreal having been cancelled back in March, and British Skating announcing on March 17th the cancellation of all BIS-permitted events, competitions and test sessions for an initial period of six week, little did I imagine that an event so far in the future would begin to seem so unlikely. And yet, as much as it breaks my heart to admit it, such a large scale event of such prestige occurring, let alone being permitted to do so in front of an audience, in twenty-six weeks’ time appears absolutely implausible given the societal changes of the last three months.

While English Premier League football prepares to resume on 17th June in crowd-free stadia, there has been no word from Sport England (quelle surprise) or British Ice Skating as to when our skating athletes may resume training let alone competition. While US figure skating published a 17 page document entitled Returning to the Rinks from U.S. Figure Skating, Learn to Skate USA, the U.S. Ice Rink Association and USA Hockey on May 4th offering guidelines to help clubs and programs implement appropriate policies and procedures in response to COVID-19, as well as further publications on Returning to Skating Programs and Disciplines and Considerations for Competitions and Events. The USA site also lists all cancelled competitions right up to the American National Solo Dance Final due to take place in Michigan between 9th and 12th September. There has been no update from British Skating since March 17th.

Given the response to the crisis in the UK and US more generally, perhaps the crucial difference in terms of figure skating remains that while folk in Britain are now free to leave home as often as they wish for the purpose of exercise, and outdoor sports and physical activities (including basketball and tennis courts, golf courses and playing fields) can re-open, indoor facilities (whether public or private must remain closed). So while legendary British Olympic gold medal winner, Christopher Dean, long-based in Colorado, has been able to return to the ice (albeit donning a face mask and having to dress in the car park due to changing facilities remaining shut), his UK based partner, Jayne Torvill, has no such option.

At the next international competition (when so ever that may be), I would glean to suggest that the disparity in opportunity between the two nations will inevitably have increased. British Ice Skating has long been under-funded, under resourced and under equipped. As I’ve mentioned previously, UK curling receives £6.5m from UK Sport in Olympic funding as compared to Figure Skating’s ZERO. Add to that last week’s announcement that Bracknell’s rink at the John Nike Leisure Complex is considering permanent closure as a result of financial losses combined with the effects of governmental forced closure due to the global pandemic, Deeside being turned into a temporary hospital to treat North Wales residents with symptoms of COVD-19 and both Planet Ice in Widnes and Milton Keynes being converted to temporary body storage areas (morgues, a fate that befell Zetra Olympic Hall in Sarajevo during the Bosnian war as I detailed in a post). Whilst with the exception of Bracknell, these closures have been stated as temporary, but given British Skating is already far down UK Sport’s list of priorities in normal times, and the strain on local and national government finances already caused by the crisis, when, how and if the funding to restore these facilities remains to be seen.

I realise this post is all a bit doom and gloom, but rest assured my next post will be less so as I look at what Dancing On Ice has in store whether or not sufficient normality has returned by new year.

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Skating, clapping, & laughter

Despite my parents throwing my last pair of skates in a skip while I was at university it took 1 week of lockdown for me to come to the conclusion that I needed a pair to get through this. And while my Instagram is full of inspirational figure skaters axelling away on off-ice skates I couldn’t really justify the £235 outlay and by the time I’d thought to invest, every skater on the planet had had the same idea. With UK government guidelines permitting people leaving the house only to shop for essentials, receive medical treatment or for one form of exercise per day, I needed to do something and as the kid still traumatised by cross-country (why did we only do it in the rain or snow?), it would be a long time before I got desperate enough to go for a run. I spent last Christmas in Spain with a friend, hiring bicycles to explore the locality. ‘It’s like learning to ride a bike’. What I learnt was how many hours everyone else spent on a bike when I was skating. I never fell off but at no point did I think ‘Oh I might ditch my car and buy a bike’. Fat chance!

my beautiful white skates!

So two weeks into state-induced incarceration and fatigued from repeated walks to the bottom of Woolsington village and back (a nice walk but not when done every day), I finally found what I’d been looking for. ‘No Fear’ white quad skates. While my last skates were inliners, I’d obviously started out on quads and the two times I’d donned skates in the last decade and a half had been on quads. Regardless whether you’re a skater or not, they’re beautiful, proper figure skater boots. 2 and a bit weeks on I’ve relearnt forward and backward figure of eights, can bunny hop, do a basic jump but blimely o’reilly the missed years have taken there toll. But gosh I’ve missed it. Jayne Torvill has described skating as the closest thing to flying and she’s right. I might more than lack elegance and poise but with my headphones in and wheels on my feet, for an all too short time I can forget about the mess we’re all in and it’s like being a kid again, just me and my skates.

In the first week of lockdown I swiftly signed up for an improv class with Hoopla. Usually I attend improv class at least once a week (as well as acting class at Newcastle’s Theatre Royal). In the first week or so of lockdown I managed to keep myself productive; formatting a script I’d recently completed, wrote a (poor) monologue, took up zumba, began BSL lessons. But like many I suspect, a few weeks on, all those great intentions began to fade. William Shakespeare wrote King Lear while in lockdown from the plague. Yeah? Well old Bill didn’t have Netflix or a full-time job to distract him. I began writing a novel when I was about 17. I no longer have the original manuscript, but it’s a story I’ve attempted to get down repeatedly over the years. When the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson first announced we were going into lockdown I decided it was time to finally get on and write that novel. I didn’t have time before. Time is the one thing we’ve all got plenty of now. So how’s it going? I haven’t so much as opened up a blank word document.

Online Improv class

I have however, in the last week, finally been able to concentrate long enough to start binge watching Netflix (Life on Mars, Dinnerladies, Tiger King, Only Fools and Horses). At the start of lockdown I couldn’t really focus enough to follow a plot or read a book. I’ve also signed up to audible taking in Sandi Toksvig and Michelle Obama’s autobiographies to date and delighted in podcasts new and old (All Killa No Filla, RHLSTP, Off Menu, Your Dead to Me). To be creative it helps to surround yourself with creativity and it’s perfectly ok not to feel inspired in the midst of a global health crisis. You’re not working from home. You’re at home in the middle of a pandemic attempting to distract yourself by working.You’re not on a writer’s retreat! I’ve been blessed not to have suffered any additional insomnia (with ADHD my angsty brain never finds it easy to switch off at the best of times). My mother mentioned to me that she was pleased she’d seen a report early on detailing the likely increase in folk suffering night terrors. It’s a normal reaction. Deprived sleep, anxiety and fear may influence some types of story telling but their not states conducive to positivity. It’s okay to not be okay.

For the last three weeks I’ve been doing a Facebook live video each weekend listing 10 things from a different category each week (numbers, women, hairstyles etc) which you can find here This has given me the opportunity to do a little (and I mean little) research in advance, write a vague bit on each thing I’m going to talk about and then just do it. I haven’t written scripts (which shows), but I’ve purposely not put myself under too much pressure to be funny, or interesting or original (which doubtless also shows) but with months ahead before any performance opportunities arise this is my self care.

Talking of care, like many I have been joining in with the weekly clap for carers where folk all over the UK stand on their front door step at 7pm each Thursday and clap for a minute (or a lot longer in my street’s case) to say thank you for all of those working on the front line; medics, carers, bin men, railway workers, teachers, retail workers etc. As a former supermarket worker it’s telling that those so often looked down on by their better paid compatriots have suddenly become so valued. While I’m certainly in no rush for a pay cut, the worst paid jobs I’ve had have been the most mentally and physically demanding. In usual circumstances, being on your feet all day, heavy lifting and dealing with grumpy members of the public is a tough gig but I struggle to imagine combining those conditions with risking your health (no-one seems to be fighting for PPE (personal protective equipment) for those on the frontline in Tesco or Marks and Spencers).

One house in Woolsington’s beautiful tribute to the NHS

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Melted Ice

It’s safe to say we’ve all had a strange week. With The World Figure Skating championships already having been cancelled, this week was never going to look how I’d imagined it. Last weekend I took part in The Mark Drama (a retelling of the events of Mark’s gospel told as theatre in the round via guided improvisation), taking on the role of the disciple John. On Saturday we performed to just under a hundred people before enjoying Pearl’s yummy sticky toffee pudding. Then on Sunday we performed again to around 150 folk after sharing lunch together, the individually sealed sandwiches being the only real sign that we were living in unusual times. That and the director, Jon who had joined us from Spain for the occasion having to leave the final rehearsal in order to catch the last flight back to Madrid. By the time of our performance on Monday at Globe Cafe (ran for students from overseas by Friends International) British Prime Minister had announced just an hour or so before that we were to avoid all ‘unnecessary social interactions’. With most of the cast having already made their way to church, the meal already prepared and folk arriving to watch we made the decision to go ahead. Albeit with 1 less pharisee and the part of disciple Andrew played by a different actor.

The points in the performance where Jesus heals various ailments and especially the cries of “don’t touch her” as he approached the leper took on new meaning. We performed to a packed room and as most folk had already gathered before the announcement it made little sense health-wise to postpone. Looking back at the pictures of the weekend I’m so grateful that we had the opportunity to walk in the disciples footsteps ahead of this week. The amount of times they say something and with the now benefit of hindsight you realise how God was preparing them for greater things to come offers real assurance.

Come Tuesday it seemed inevitable we would soon be working from home and so much of the day was spent waiting for an official announcement from The Church of England (as I work in a church office as an administrator) and by mid-afternoon it was announced that all acts of worship and mid-week meetings were to be suspended until further notice. Thankfully the Church I work for (Jesmond Parish Church) already live streams it’s evening service each week. Following the announcement my office phone was set to divert to my mobile, staff meetings switched to meeting via Zoom (a real Godsend at the moment) and arrangements made to Live Stream both morning and evening services and a talk for younger children (who would normally be attending Sunday School) added into the mix along with printable worksheets and topics for discussion. All of which can be accessed via http://www.clayton.tv or via their youtube channel (handy for viewing on a smart telly) https://www.youtube.com/user/ClaytonTelevision

Tuesday nights are usually spent attending Longform Improv classes at The School of Improv. I’ve been attending the school’s classes since January 2018 and the chance to ‘play’ with the friends I’ve made their is always the highlight of my week. Knowing how much we were all going to miss that Ian & Bev (the School’s founders) arranged a quiz night streamed via Facebook, in which I came a some what respectable 3rd out of 35.

Wednesday was my first day working from home – ever. The morning started with Staff Prayers (where we usually meet in person, read a passage from the Old Testament, a Psalm (read responsively) a passage from the New Testament, feed back about the events of the last few days and then split in to groups and pray about the next few days. This time we met using https://zoom.us/ it’s definitely not the same as being in the same room but being able to see and speak with one another is a real blessing. It’s also interesting to see the spots people chose to film from. On Wednesday I’ll hold my hands up and admit I wasn’t intellectual enough to join those opting for a bookshelf background but rather hastily wrapped a hoodie over my pyjamas! Thankfully though after a quick call to IT my computer was set up on the church network enabling me to access all the shared files and respond to emails. Over the past few months I’ve been attending level 2 acting classes at the Theatre Royal on Wednesday nights meaning I haven’t been able to attend home group (church small groups where we are able to meet to pray and study the Bible and get to know people on a deeper level than on a Sunday). With classes suspended our home group like many had a record attendance (once again via zoom) as couples who normally have to alternate due to childcare were able to attend together).

On Thursday with more free time, I began learning BSL (British Sign Language) via https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCShTpm99s4piz3NycQZsNxg so far I’ve mastered letters, numbers and basic greetings. I’m not very good at ‘switching off’ at the best time of times so figured I’d rather use my time productively than waste the opportunity the ‘gift of time’ offers. Although, I’m yet to write my King Lear (which Shakespeare wrote whilst in quarantine during the plague outbreak). While the evening offered the opportunity for a group of us improvisers who had been playing Dungeon World (a table top role playing game) but unable to arrange a game since last year to utilise the video call function on Facebook messenger and escape to a land of make believe (my character was Marion Burry, a gin-swilling baker).

Come Friday it was time again to meet for Staff prayers followed by another day of email checking, popping out to the pharmacy and shops for friends in isolation and choosing a Taskmaster task to post on Facebook for improv friends to complete (as an administrator naturally i have a very official and detailed 2 tab spreadsheet, lest I lose those excel skills). The evening was spent playing the big no budget game show with led by Ian and Bev. If you head to The Suggestibles Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/suggestibles/ you can find all the details of what’s happening and join in!

With total lockdown seeming ever more likely on Saturday I drove up the coast to Bamburgh. I’ve always found being closer to the sea makes me calmer and more peaceful and knowing it might be a long time before the opportunity arose for my own wellbeing I needed one last walk on the beach. When I arrived it seemed a lot of people had thought the same. However unlike the covidiots ripping the contents of Tesco’s from the shelves, the couple of hundred or so folk on the beach were all respectfully obeying social distancing lengths and there was an eerie silence.

After a walk along the sands and sandwiches on the dune I headed home hoping it’s not too long again. The evening was spent back online viewing Saturday Night at The Stand, this week 4 comedians broadcasting live from The Stand Edinburgh. Free to view but with a donate button to help keep their 3 venues afloat. As well as being a member of the Stand I’ve been blessed to perform their 3 times last year. As well as being Newcastle’s only full-time comedy club, it’s the only place such a newcomer would get the chance to perform to a couple of hundred people, as well as hosting The Suggestible’s on the third Thursday of each month. While normally on a weekend they would seat maybe 500 across the three venues, close to 8,000 viewed Saturday’s gig, hopefully many took the opportunity to donate. If you missed it, it’s happening again next Saturday with the line-up yet to be announced. You can find all the info and link here:https://www.thestand.co.uk/news/saturday-night-live-from-the-stand-this-saturday/

With Sunday upon us and no need to physically travel to church, I took the opportunity to have a lie in and still turned up early (a real rarity). With many churches now streaming services it’s tempting to take the opportunity to see what others get up to. However my Mam (who normally attends a church that wasn’t streaming but rather had posted out their sermon in written form) was keen to view Clayton.TV and so we sat down together.

As well as learning BSL, running Taskmaster and partaking in games and quizzes, I’ve also begun posting 1 of my favourite pieces of Christian music each day. Though on Friday it was the secular ‘True Colours’ sung by a choir of kids heading off from their final day of school that got be bubbling. My tears though are not for me but rather for the kids who like many who attended the school I was a governor for, school was their sanctuary, the place where people cared. It is for them I pray not myself.

This blog was primarily begun for me to vent about ice skating and rest assured despite the lack of current skating I will carry on posting mainly about such things but I wanted a record of this week. Today I also took a step closer to returning to the dancing on ice dream and ordered a balance board (due to arrive on Monday) and leg stretcher (for which I’ll have to wait a while longer) both of which I had been anticipating purchasing once I was in my own home but with house sales off the cards for the foreseeable and time aplenty I figured I might as well get working on that scorpion off ice while I have the chance.

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After the Final: what now?

“What you gonna do when Dancing on Ice finishes?” asked a colleague last Friday as I prattled on once more about how desperate I was to see Joe Swash and Alex Murphy skate Bolero. Not realising at the time what a visual treat they had in store with their Chaplin-inspired routine, reminiscent in places of Karen Barber and Nicky Slater’s 1984 Free Dance.

“No worries, The World Championships start in Montreal on Monday” I thought. Flash forward to this Wednesday and The International Skating Union issue a press release confirming that due to the Corona virus not only have the championships and Skate Canada competition been cancelled, with the official statement proclaiming they “could possibly be held later in the year, but in any case not before October 2020.” my coping mechanism for DOI withdrawal has been scuppered. Worse still with the current season being due to end in April it seems implausible that competitors would be in a position to be performing this year’s routine whilst in full on prep-mode for 2020/21 season. Alas it seems the Worlds stage will be denied the delight of Lilah Fear and Lewis Gibson’s tremendous Vogue inspired Free Dance.


I decided early this year to forego a trip to WordAlive in Prestatyn (North Wales) this year partly in an effort to save money (my main priority for 2020 being to move in to my own place after staying with my parents for the last couple of years) but also in order to drive over to Blackpool and spend a day at  the 53rd Annual Ice Skating Festival at Blackpool Pleasure Beach Arena. Whilst currently the British Skating Union appear to be following the British government’s somewhat more relaxed approach and have not begun cancelling events it seems unlikely I’ll be in a position to ‘wait and see’ before booking my hotel and so alas I regretfully will not be attending. Fingers crossed I’ll make it across for the Hot Ice show instead at some point in the summer.

And (presuming the madness has ceased) be attending The British Figure Skating Championships in Sheffield at the beginning of December, having secured the time off work and being lucky enough to have friends and family nearby. Though finance allowing i’ll be staying elsewhere as I don’t much fancy a week on a sofa. As detailed on the homepage, I’m not a skater myself just a massive fan of the sport, which some people find odd, but it’s no stranger that many a bloke on the football terraces unable to kick a ball in a straightline!

What I’ve found very odd over the last couple of months is the DOI fans on various Facebook groups I made the mistake of joining who avidly watch the show yet have no knowledge of or appreciation for the discipline from which the professionals emerged. Though not perhaps as alarming as the endless arguments over the judging panel and their scoring seemingly based more on who the contributor ‘liked’ rather than their technical ability. I adore Dancing on Ice (obviously). I adore it for what it is. Dancing…on…ice. The celebrities learn to dance, on ice. They learn to skate sufficiently to dance, on ice. The progress (almost) all of the contestants make in so short a time is phenomenal bearing in mind the years competitive and professional skaters put in and they deserve much praise.

That said, some of the comments have not only bordered on the ridiculous, but fully jumped the shark! There have been a few skaters over the years whom had they begun training as a youngster may well have had the capability to progress through the competitive ranks but to suggest that any one of the celebrities should represent us in the Olympics is not only naive but does a huge disservice to those dedicated guys and girls plugging away at their passion away from the cameras in rinks up and down the country.

Whilst the terrestrial channels seem to be inexplicably incapable of making the art form as readily available as the British Bowls Championships, for example (which was Broadcast on BBC2 at the same time as the inaugural Britannia Cup, Junior Olympic coverage and British Synchonised Skating Championships were shunted onto iplayer), with almost every house in the country having access to the internet and the ISU ensuring almost all major competitions are viewable live on their YouTube channel, it’s not difficult to catch sight of the current crop aiming to emulate Jayne and Chris’ success or to discover how the sport as evolved since Sarajevo. At present British Ice dancers aiming to compete in the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics receive zero funding from UK Sport (compared to Curling’s £6.35m). Forced to juggle arduous training on ice and intensive off-ice body conditioning with earning enough money to simply live as well as train (a Telegraph report last December estimated juniors were spending around £20K an annum), whilst their Russian counterparts begin training around at 3 or 4 years of age (as compared Fear and Gibson and Torvill and Dean who each began around 9 to 11), receiving much needed financial support from The Figure Skating Federation of Russia (FSFR). Little wonder then that despite the passion and resilience of Britian’s top flight skaters, Russia take home fifty percent of all Olympic Figure Skating medals.

A quick glance at the UK Sport website’s funding pages, shows that those attracting the most funding are those we’ve medalled in most recently and those that attract the most viewers. Arguably one being the cause of the other and vice-versa. Whilst Lilah Gibson and Lewis Fear (current British Ice Dance champions) are without doubt Britain’s best competitors since Jayne and Chris, without an increase in funding the wait for another UK medal will continue. Yet without more folk making the leap from Sunday night’s in front of DOI to supporting British competitive skating it seems inevitable the strangulation of the sport by funding authorities will continue it’s vicious circle.

Cirque du Soliel, the largest contemporary circus producer in the world have recognised the phenomenal capacity for creativity with it’s current show ‘Crystal’, employing four-time world Benjamin Agosot as the Skating Performances Designer, alongside four-time world champion, Kurt Browning as its Skating Performances Senior Designer. As showcased in the snippet included in this years DOI, the show employs both extreme acrobatic skating as well as more traditional figure skating to wow its audiences with skaters from countless countries around the world, including the UK. Cirque du Soleil are a massive company employing almost 5,000 individuals worldwide and it’s decision to diversify into the world of the rink for the 1st time since its inception in 1984 is testament to the pulling power of the ice.

If you truly love Dancing on Ice, the good news is there’s no need to wait until January to get your fill of the action. From British and international competitive skating competitions and festivals, arena tours such as Cirque du Soleil or a trip to the long running Hot Ice Show in Blackpool there’s plenty ways to get your fix, support our skaters, be they amateurs, professionals, ice dancers, acrobatic skaters, juniors, novice, synchro, pairs…if they’ve got blades on, show them the love and show the sports bodies British skating deserves better!

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From Golden Glory to Hellish Horrors

On Tuesday February 14th 1984, Zetra Olympic Hall in Sarajevo was the setting of Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean’s monumental Olympic triumph cheered on by 8500 spectators in the hall, and millions across the globe. The ultramodern, copper-roofed complex, designed by architects Lidumil Alikalfic and Dušan Đapa was officially opened by then President of the International Olympic Committee, Juan Antonio Samaranch on February 14th 1982 (exactly 2 years before Jayne and Chris’ stunning 6.0 Bolero).

Following the Olympics, Zetra was the setting of further record breaking, while hosting a number of international Speed Skating contests, until 1991 as well as the last Olympic closing ceremony held in an indoor venue until Vancouver 2010. That same year (July 28th 1991), some 30,000 youngsters packed the hall out (with a further 50,000) outside, celebrating peace and hundreds of thousands protested on the streets against a war few believed would come so soon, causing more than ten thousand deaths.

Yet less than a year later on April 6th 1992, come it did. And on May 21st (according to Alikalfic) or May 25th (Wikipedia & William Oscar Johnson’s ‘The Killing Ground’) Serbian forces under the command of General Ratko Mladić caused substantial damage to Zetra through shelling, bombing and fire, as well as destroying the building’s blueprints forever. Such was the wreckage, that the following year, with ever decreasing resources and an ever increasing death toll, Zetra’s wooden seating was being taken away daily to be fashioned into much needed coffins, many being buried in a cemetery set up at the rear of the Arena after being placed in the venue’s basement which had become a makeshift morgue.

The Juan Antonio Samaranch Olympic Hall (formerly known as Zetra Olympic Hall), Sarajevo. The white stones marking the war dead in Groblje Lav Cemetery can be seen on the hill rising above the complex.

The Olympic committee’s residence 8 years before (the freshly opened distinctive yellow Holiday inn) envisioned by celebrated Bosnian architect Ivan Straus, as an ‘indoor city’ became ground zero, located on what became known as ‘Sniper’s Alley’. From 1992-1995 it housed war reporters from around the world, filing report after report where, as BBC Correspondent Martin Bell stated “you didn’t go out to the war, the war came in to you.” The hotel which was hit in excess of a hundred times in the course of the three year siege (the lengthiest siege to hit any capital city in modern conflict) has since be re-named the Olympic Hotel Holiday Sarajevo in recognition of its original construction and is once again an important symbol of the architecture and history of Sarajevo.

The Holiday Inn mid-siege (left) and The freshly name (& painted) Olympic Holiday Hotel (right)

On December 14th 1995, with the signing of the Dayton Peace Agreement the war finally came to an end. A war which had left so many dead and so much of the Sarajevo Olympics’ legacy in tatters. A year later The Stabilisation Force in Bosnia and Herzegovina (SFOR), a NATO-led multinational peacekeeping force was deployed primarily to “deter hostilities and stabilise the peace”.  In December 1997 the SFOR set about reconstructing Zetra, a $32m project made possible by a $11.5m donation from the International Olympic Committee. Three years later the project was completed and the Hall (renamed as The Juan Antonio Samaranch Olympic Hall following his death in 2010), is once again in use as a sporting arena and houses a small museum commemorating the 1984 Olympics. In 2014, Chris (along with Jayne) returned to perform once again at the arena marking 30 years since “That day changed our lives forever and will always be in our hearts and our memories, not just for that day but for the life it gave us.”  In 2019 the hall was a venue for the European Youth Olympic Winter Festival Ice Hockey, with figure skating taking place at the nearby Skenderija Hall. While, Tripadvisor reviews make clear that The Juan Antonio Samaranch Olympic Hall is today less the glorious mecca ice dance fanatics may foresee, and more a municipal concrete carbuncle, its history both splendid and dreadful, make it a place worthy of remembrance.   

  • 1984 winners of the Ice Dance Gold Medal Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean made history at Zetra with their run of 6.0s
  • Following The Bosnian War, Zetra lay in ruins, it’s seats having been ripped out for coffins, it’s basement used as a morgue and out lands became a cemetery
  • By the time war ceased thousands had lost their lives
  • Following the war, with vital assistance from the International Olympic City the arena was restored ensuring a venue which had played such a big part in both Olympic and Bosnian history was not lost forever.

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A wife’s perspective:“Please be kind, especially to my family”.

I also spoke about this on BBC World Service (skip to 9.44) https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w172wrw0rb90mhw

 It’s this line from Philip Schofield’s statement to the press, which hit me like a battering ram to the gut. For in 2017, I myself was faced with the revelation that my husband of 8 years was in fact gay. Usually when a marriage ends it’s either a case of having simply grown a part and no blame is apportioned, or one of the parties has done something which all outsiders will meet with “what a bastard”. But with this, whilst the one who has come out is met with congratulations and admiration for bravery, being true to themselves, ‘now you can live the live you’ve always wanted’, their partner is met with the sad realisation that not only is much of their past ‘tainted’ (in as much as so many of those happy ‘romantic’ moments you remember, were not necessarily happy or romantic to your partner but a daily need to hide), the life they had wanted, and believed was theirs has gone.

While stories of coming out are often described like tales of re-birth, for those of us left behind it’s more akin to grief. If your partner leaves or dies, folk are quick to offer sympathy and usually you’ll know folk it’s happened to that can empathise and offer encouragement. Whilst, relationships ending due to one of the partners having hidden their sexuality and then revealing it, are a lot more common than the average person realises, it’s rarely spoken of so even if you do know someone else it’s happened to, it’s unlikely you’ll know about it. And if you are brave enough to talk about it, you’re greeted with a mixture of uncomfortable silence or commendation for your partner’s latter truthfulness.

Initially when I was told by my husband he was attracted to men (it was some month’s later he revealed he was gay rather than bi-sexual) I was relieved. For the past few months it had become clear that something was wrong, and when he said we needed to talk, his demeanour led me to believe I was about to be told he’d committed adultery. To my knowledge at that point, he hadn’t. I even thanked him for confiding in me. He looked me square in the eye and swore blind he still loved me and wanted very much for me to still be his wife. For the next four months life continued, I was confused and at times scared, but I’d reason with myself that despite being married I was still attracted to other people, so what did it matter. I would never act on it and he had promised me he wouldn’t either

Almost exactly, 4 months after my husband’s first revelation, (he told me) he was going out for a drink with a few friends from work and wouldn’t be too late back. I decided to give him a call. No reply. I checked Whatsapp and could see he hadn’t looked at it since finishing work. Having had to borrow his keys after losing mine that morning, I decided to watch a film partly so he could let himself in and partly because I always preferred to be awake when he came in. Mistakenly at this point I believed what you see on TV shows about not being able to report people missing for 24 hours. My mind was racing and I was exhausted. I took a sleeping tablet and brought my duvet downstairs so he’d still be able to get in. 3 hours and a second sleeping tablet later I was still wide awake. I rang him again and left a message imploring him to contact me, I just wanted to know he was ok. I then googled ‘missing persons’ and discovered that you very definitely do not need to wait 24 hours. I then rang the police, my heart pounding through my chest, terrified and alone. The mutual  friends I had messaged had all either not seen or heard from him, or were asleep and had not replied.

As the police kept me on the line checking hospital admissions, my mobile finally rang. “I’ll come back when I’m ready”. That was it. No apology, no explanation of where he was, who he was with or why the radio silence. After apologising to the police for wasting their time, a follow up text simply said he was staying at a friend’s house and we’d talk later that day. By 10am I could take it no more, left the keys under a pot by the back door and headed out to meet a friend for her birthday picnic. Thankfully the friends I met are the sort of folk that despite my having been flaky and unresponsive at best for the past few months, were understanding, patient, listened and I am so thankful that by then having realised what was likely to be coming enabled me to face up to it and set plans in motion should I need a place to stay.

                I headed home and pulled up to the house realising that by then he had indeed returned home. I sat in the car for what seemed an eternity (though in reality was likely only a couple of minutes). I was scared but angry. I just wanted him to know that allowing me to believe he might be dead, knowing how terrified I was that something terrible had happened to him or that he’d done something to himself, was beyond cruel. It was that, that was the ultimate betrayal. If he wasn’t sexually attracted to me, fine. If he didn’t love me as a wife, fine. To not even care whether I thought he was dead, I wouldn’t even put someone I hated through that.

                When I finally headed in and found him lying in the spare room the entire conversation lasted no more than 30 seconds. He simply said “I’m gay. I’m leaving”. My response that I didn’t care if he was gay, what I cared about was the cruelty he’d inflicted on me in the last 24 hours was met with emotionless silence. I walked downstairs grabbed a few things from the laundry and headed straight to my friend’s house. I never slept in that house again. 24 hours later, I learnt that despite his initial instance he wasn’t going to go out and meet anyone, he had in fact done just that and had entered into a relationship. For how long, I don’t know and I don’t care. Whilst our relationship from beginning to end lasted 9 years, and he later revealed he’d known he was gay since the age of 16, much as I am at a loss to explain why it is that he chose to pursue me, to propose, get married; it is the events of the four months after he revealed being attracted to men that really stings. Had he left there and then, it still would have hurt, a lot but it would have saved so much uncertainty, fear, dread and yet more lies. The nonchalant response I received anytime I even dared to suggest that as the one who had entered our marriage blissfully unaware and had been faithful throughout, I might be the injured party, whereas from Phillip Schofield’s statement, it appears that his wife Stephanie has been aware of the situation for some time before he’s ‘gone public’ and though I’ve no doubt this has led to feelings of grief and despair, he admits that he feels ‘the hurt I am causing to my family’ , ‘heartbreak’ and implores us all to “Please be kind, especially to my family”.

This leads me on to two things I would request folk do in response to Phil’s statement. First, if you are single and struggling with your sexuality, do not enter in to a relationship. It is your choice how, when and if you make your sexual preferences known but nobody else deserves to have their choices taken away as a result of yours. If you are already in a relationship, be honest. Don’t put it off. The longer you drag it out for, the more protracted the agony for all. And secondly, spare a moment to remember those who through no fault of their own have had their lives turned immeasurably upside down. Don’t judge them, ask stupid questions like ‘you must have known’, clearly not. Let them talk about it or not talk about it. Allow them to speak about memories that involve their ex without making it weird. If you’ve been with someone for years, then naturally a lot of your memories from that time are going to involve your ex. You can’t erase the past.

I am blessed that my family, friends and church have supported me every step of the way and in a strange way the experience has done me a lot of good. I now know just how strong I really am, a lot more than I would have thought. In those months before, I thought a break-up would be the worst thing that ever happened to me, when it finally happened it was like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. It made me indestructible, brave. Five weeks after walking out the door with that laundry bag I signed up for improv classes. Afraid but knowing the answer to ‘what’s the worst that could ever happen?’ was that it already had and I’d survived. Less than a year after that first revelation, I began doing stand-up. Something I’d always dreamt of, but been too terrified to truly contemplate. It made me not fearless, but determined to face my fears. The events could very easily have broken me but I refused to let that happen. Now I’m no longer consumed by worrying about my marriage or my husband’s mental health, my only responsibilities are to myself and ensuring that I also get to live my dream.

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DOI: Breaking the rules

For those familiar with the world of ice dance only via Dancing On Ice it may come as something of a surprise to learn that much of that which makes the show so magical would not only be frowned on in competitive skating but incur major deductions. Indeed such are the often baffling rules enforced by the International Skating Union (ISU), Torvill and Dean’s iconic Bolero far from achieving a perfect score would breach so many laws as to risk compete disqualification today.

For the celebrity contestants, being allowed to attempt the ‘head banger’ is a milestone moment guaranteed to elicit a positive response from audience and judges alike, this classic of acrobatic skating falls foul of pairs skating instructions that skaters must only hold hands, arms, upper legs or body never foot, ankle or blade. The Detroiter also being dismissed on the grounds that legs must be held with two hands and heaven help you if you let go of your partner mid-lift, stand on their shoulders or sit on their head! All of which are deemed too dangerous for competitive skating (but seemingly not for soap stars and magicians).

Many a DOI routine, such as Lisa’s Bet Lynch inspired routine in week 5 has begun with the reveal of a previously hidden outfit or Dan Whiston and Cheryl Baker recreating Bucks Fizz’s skirt-ripping Eurovision highlight. Whilst at first sight the ISU rule against detachable costume parts lest you incur a one-point deduction, doesn’t seem that tricky to avoid, such is the exacting implementation of this rule, that should a stray sequin fall off your costume, or a whisper of your skirt caress the ice – bang goes that deduction! In addition, if a lady thinks they can avoid the issue altogether by popping on a pair of trousers or shortening their dress, forget it! Until 2003, women were permitted only to wear skirts (which mustn’t be overly revealing but fully cover their hips and posterior – The Katarina Witt rule).  You may pop on a bodysuit, but all costumes must be modest, dignified, and appropriate for athletic competition. In week five, the DOI costume and make-up department pulled out all the stops for fairy tale week, turning Peri into a gargoyle, Ben into the white rabbit. Yet whilst competitive skaters are permitted to reflect the nature of the music in their costumes, doing so risks judges accusing you of being too theatrical or garish. In addition, whilst many a DOI skater has donned a pair of daisy dukes, “There has to be a visible connection of costume between top and bottom” (Johnny Weir, NBC Commentator and former USA figure skater). No two pieces. Hence, all those fleshy coloured mesh panels.

One week which many DOI competitors loathe (and viewers love) is ‘props week’. From Hayley Tammadon flying through the air via aerial silks, Daniella Westbrook’s use of a swivel chair to Kevin Kilbane gaining a sense of comfort bringing his soccer ball to the ice, props have made and changed many a routine. This is one rule, for which the ISU seems to have a decent excuse. Regardless of what they may add to a performance, they also provide a trip hazard, a consequence, which in terms of DOI only adds to the adventure.

Each series of DOI culminates in the final two pairs exhibiting their interpretation of the iconic Bolero, the only stipulation being they must start on their knees and build to that dramatic moment where the two doomed lovers, fall to the ice. Such was the invention, artistry, perfection, spellbinding effect of those 4 (and a bit) minutes in Sarajevo 1984, so many ice dancers began opting to begin or end on the ground, the ISU became fatigued. If you’re lying down, you’re not skating! Bang – one point deduction!

For Jayne and Chris, famously the start and end of their routine evolved for completely practical reasons. Despite employing the best in the business, editing Ravel’s masterpiece to less than 4 minutes 18 seconds was just not possible. Yet, with the clock not beginning until blade hit the ice, the skating part of the routine was the perfect length. If you think, you can find another creative way to lengthen the clock, forget it! Again, the rules now stipulate that the time starts when the music plays. And don’t think a few seconds here or there won’t make a difference, a point being deducted for every five seconds you exceed or lack. The same penalty as falling over!

For those skaters who’ve nailed the judges challenge in the last couple of weeks, don’t get too carried away. Heaven help a female skater who thinks they can get away with performing more than 3 spins or 7 jumps. And if like Perri you’re particularly acrobatic, don’t going showing off your backflip skills, a two point deduction is not really worth impressing the audience for!

I adore Dancing On Ice and show-skating and while I’m fascinated by the world of competitive skating at times it baffles me with it’s seeming determination to stifle artistic flair and acrobatic performance preventing routines akin to the perfect, judged perfect (!) Bolero!

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H and Matt: Why this evangelical Christian sees no cause for offence

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Since it was first announced that Steps singer Ian ‘H’ Watkins had been paired with professional ice dancer Matt Evers there’s been an array of reactions. Ranging from those hailing it as a triumph for the LGBTQ+ community to those dismissing it as nothing more than a publicity stunt with the potential to damage impressionable young viewers. Most of those against such a partnership have argued “Two men skating together? It’s just wrong!” Is it?

                In 1995 aged eleven I attended the newly opened Newcastle arena to watch Disney on Ice, accompanied by my Bible-believing, church-attending mother. I was skate mad and would have loved nothing more than a trip to Florida, but that was never to be. Here was my chance to see Mickey, Donald and co. up close. And that I did. All of Walt’s classic characters skating together. All of them. Duck skating with mouse, dog with mermaid, male, female. Was my pre-pubescent, hormone-riddle brain corrupted? Hardly! Twenty-five years later I can still recall gasping with excitement and awe in the drafty arena as Donald and Mickey spiralled away in front of me.

Others have argued that while they have nothing against two gents skating together in general, they are dancing as a couple. Romance and ice dance being irrevocably connected. Tell that to two-time Olympic bronze medallist and three-time world champions, Alex and Mai Shibutani (brother and sister). Head judge Christopher Dean was himself married to Olympic silver medallist and world champion Isabelle Duchesnay who spent her carrier skating alongside her brother Paul. Yes there may have been many memorably romantic routines across the years but it’s certainly not the only way to the top.

Like many girls, I was as a child often made to  dance with female classmates and I had to be ‘the boy’(lead) during dance lessons in PE (phys ed). Was this wrong? No. I’m 5”8 and have been since about the age of twelve, therefore as the taller one I was best placed to lead. For the same reason when H and Matt began training together it quickly became apparent that as the taller and the stronger one, it made sense for Matt to take the lead. Matt has spent his entire career being the lead and carrying out the lifts, would if then be fair to ask him to switch roles without expecting the other pros to do the same?

The fact H won’t be carrying out lifts while the other male celebrities will, has also been raised by those seeking to prove he’s been given an easy ride. Yet by and large none of the female celebrities will carry out such moves. Instead, they’ll have to master being lifted, moving whilst being held aloft and landing smoothly. All the things H is learning. Last year, matt was partnered with Gemma Collins who he couldn’t lift, so he didn’t lift her. In 2012 Lisa Riley appeared on Strictly Come Dancing, memorably catching Robin Windsor at the end of one routine. Why? Because her partner, a professional dancer wasn’t strong enough to catch her. The fact H can’t lift Matt says nothing of his skating. Is Jayne Torvill any less of a fantastic skater for not being able to carry Christopher Dean across the ice?

In week 3 viewers saw Matt and H rehearsing in a dance studio with wall-to-ceiling mirrors. Why? Because the judges had picked up on the increase in side-by-side skating in their routines and wanted more synchronicity. Being lifted across the ice hides a multitude of sins (you may remember Chris complaining that Lucrezia spent a third of her routine in the air). Skating beside your professional partner, attempting to replicate their moves precisely, and in synch highlights them. I challenge anyone reading this to go back and watch each couples dances to date and compare how little time H spends in the air or in hold.

For those still not convinced and claiming disapproval on Biblical grounds, here’s some theological numbers for you. In the ESV (English Standard Translation) of The Bible, the word ‘homosexual’ or ‘homosexuality’ appears just twice. Whilst there’s nineteen references to dancing. Not ones of these references overlaps and perhaps Psalm 150 verse 4a best sums up the book’s attitude “Praise him with tambourine and dance”. God loves a boogie!

A friend who is himself a member of the LGBTQ+ community commented “I wish they hadn’t put the two gays together though”. His point being that they could have put two men together regardless of their sexuality. Whilst yes, this may have silenced some of the detractors, H has stated he was explicit in his agreeing to appear being on the condition he was given a male partner. Okay, so why partner him with Matt then? I think Matt was always the right choice, regardless whether his partner was gay, Bi, trans, non-binary or other. With Dan Whiston now taking on the role of creative director, Matt is now the only professional to have taken part in every series of the show bringing with him an unrivalled depth of experience choreographing routines to fit his partner’s physical needs and personalities as well as skating abilities  and had a small part (Skate Tree) in cult skate film Blades of Glory itself dealing with a male-male skate partnership which has provided a host of gifs now in use in response to Matt and H’s partnership.

First and foremost Matt and H are two people skating together. They’re not asking anyone to judge whether they’d make a good couple, only the quality of their routines and skating. When their partnership was announced, I’ll admit I was a bit worried. Worried it would be distracting. If anything, I think it’s made each of them perform better. I love seeing celebrities skate on their own and at a decent pace. Matt and H have done this in spades. Is H the best skater on the show? Not yet, but with a quarter of Matt’s partners to date reaching the final, there’s no reason he shouldn’t. And as my friend said, I’d like to see two guys skating together because they’ve been matched on height and nothing else but sadly I think we may still be a way off that yet.

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DOI Soapstar Maths

It seems that Dancing on Ice bookers love the soaps as much as the British public. To date fifteen Corrie stars have swapped the cobbles for the ice, ten Eastenders the square for the rink, an impressive nine Hollyoaks for headbangers, five Emmerdale residents wellies for skates, three have made the journey from down under and a further three from those long gone (Dallas and Brookside). Four actors (Jeremy Sheffield, Gemma Bissix, Ray Quinn and Hayley Tammadon) have even appeared in multiple soaps.

So how have the the forty-one soap-landers to have taken on the challenge to date faired? They’ve produced a whopping six of the last ten winners (including a double win for Ray Quinn). Even more impressively, of all the regular series, Mark Little (Neighbours) remains the only soap star to have been booted off first. No doubt in part due to the mammoth viewing figures such shows continue to attract despite fierce competition.

It is from the soaps that unarguably two of DOI’s best remembered contestants emerged, albeit with very different capabilities. Few who witnessed Todd Carty disappear down the Time Tunnel will forget, while Ray Quinn, to quote Holly Willoughby on his appearance on last year’s Christmas Special, “he just keeps on getting better”.

In the battle of the soaps it would seem as if Coronation Street would have the advantage with so many taking part, but it is Emmerdale that’s really bagged more than it’s expected share of the glory. Of the five of its actors that have taken part, not only have 3 of them gone on to the final, those that did all won (Suzanne Shaw, Hayley Tammadon, Matthew Wolfenden).

Whilst my ambition of appearing on the show may seem far-fetched, maybe if I’m a serious about doing the Bolero I ought to be jacking in the comedy and heading down The Woolpack!

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Lisa’s journey; Unfair advantage or facing her demons?

This is the first post in a series discussing each of this year’s Dancing on Ice Contestants. First up, Lisa George.

                Much has been made in some quarters of Coronation Street actress and current DOI contestant Lisa George’s alleged advantage from having competed in a handful of skating competitions as a 9 year old.

 If you’ve read the homepage, you’ll know I received my first roller-skates way back on Christmas Day 1987. I was only two and a half years old, but pretty much my first memory is of popping the yellow, orange and blue Fisher Price skates on over my socks (I soon learnt you were meant to wear them over shoes) and toddling around the dining room table. For the next sixteen years I lived on wheels. I can even remember at thirteen giving a presentation in English class about my skating obsession and how I was devastated after a knee injury aged nine, when the doctor banned me from skating for a month.17 years after my last pair of skates, I can still visualise every pair I’ve ever owned.

My parents got rid of my last pair during a clear out whilst I was a fresher. In April last year, I saw an advert for an adults-only roller disco and immediately bought tickets for my best friend’s birthday. For days beforehand the thought of being back on skates filled me with joy. I had visions of myself spiralling away to my heart’s content. In reality, we left early after my friend was knocked over exiting the rink, badly bruising her coccyx and though I was in no danger of falling over I couldn’t even remember how to skate backwards let alone attempt any fancy tricks. A forward figure of 8 was as close as it got. I loved every minute but it was a definite reminder that skating is certainly not like riding a bike or learning an instrument. While over the course of my childhood I must have spent at least 14,000 hours skating the subsequent 149,000 hours not skating had certainly taken their toll, erasing any ‘advantage’.

So to Lisa, who summed up her ice-skating history as “I did it for a couple of years until I was 9”. Assuming therefore she began at around 7 years of age, almost three times as old I was in 1987 and stopped at lot sooner than my sixteen years.

However, whilst I chose to stop skating, not bothering to take my skates to hilly Durham, Lisa’s ‘career’ was cut short due to a nasty and doubtless at the time rather traumatic injury. “I was in a competition and I stuck my blades in the ice, the ice shot up like a shard and cut my chin open”. I have clear memories of having a nose bleed in the swimming pool as a youngster after running up an inflatable as my friend Jonny slid down. The resulting mix of blood and water were like a scene from Jaws. I doubt the sight of blood dripping on to the ice was any less disturbing. Not only that, but if you watched this Lisa’s segment on this season’s Christmas special, some slightly cruel DOI executive decided that after almost forty years (350,400 hours) since last setting foot on the ice, Lisa should do so on the very same rink! Childhood memories are potent stuff. Just think how many former colleagues you struggle to name and then compare that to how many former classmates you remember vividly.

Whilst Lisa did come joint second in week one (4 points behind Perri Kiely whose apparent advantage as a dancer I’ll explore in a later post), she did so alongside Libby Clegg who aside from being neither a skater nor a dancer has close to zero useful sight. What’s her advantage?

While the story of the former child skater returning to the ice in a blaze of glory is a romantic one, and I am relishing the chance to see Lisa unleash her potential and rediscovering her love for the sport, let’s not pretend they’ve snuck Nancy Kerrigan in there!